Utility Sink

I went downstairs the other day to get my laundry out of the dryer.

Our laundry room has one of those large, plastic utility sinks that most apartment buildings have in the laundry room.

What most apartment buildings don't have however, is the maintenance man peeing into said utility sink.

I know they make that sink big for a lot of different jobs, but I'm certain that's not one of them.

"oh...sorry."
That's all he said. I didn't say anything and just got my laundry with my back to him so I could get out of there as fast as possible. I imagined his pee bouncing back out of the 18-inch deep sink, across the 15-foot room, and onto my freshly-dried laundry.

While I think that might be impossible, I'm no scientist. And since I couldn't be certain that his taco-flavored piss wasn't sprizting my GAP undies, I was pretty pissed myself.

I just gave him a dirty look that I hope said "this isn't a fucking ditch in Tijuana". In translation, it probably just came out "please piss right in the dryer".

The kicker? His kid was standing right there, learning how to do it up right.

Thirty years from now, his kid will be pissing in my kid's birdbath with a leafblower strapped to his back.

I've got this great idea...

I've been putting off blogging about my day job. Perhaps it's because that has been the harbinger of unfortunate events in the past.

Since I'm getting more interesting things to do at my day job, and it looks like I have other things bubbling up anyways....here goes.

My boss is Italian. He has the slightest of accents. It's barely perceptible. But of course when I or the production manager mimic the boss, we put on our best momma mia voice.

He's (I'm sure you'll be surprised to know) very slick. He could sell ice to an Eskimo and convince Arabs they need a little sand. Our website seems to get all sorts of little jobs from other companies that we have no business doing, but it brings in money...Something our site isn't so hot at (but more on that later).

While my boss is clearly an experienced salesman and "businessman", I don't think he's got a lot of experience with creative production...In print, TV, film, websites, comics, cartoons...anything.

Tomorrow I have a casting session for a project we're doing for a potential client. While my boss was trying to give me the details about the casting session, he wouldn't tell me exactly who it was for.

Me: "What do I tell the actors and improvisers? They'll want to know what this is for."

Boss: "Just tell them it's for a high-profile client. That's all they need to know."

This is the third or forth time this has happened, so I called him on it.

Me: "Boss, are you worried that an actor is going to steal your idea at a casting session and present it to the client before you can?"

Boss: "They just don't need to know, that's all."

For all his being crafty, he's remarkably naive or ignorant of how creative products get developed. First of all, these ideas are not worth stealing. They're "eh".

Secondly, and more importantly, a professional doesn't worry about his or her ideas being stolen. Ideas are a dime a dozen. The execution is the hard part. It's where the product lives or dies.
I'm not saying that all ideas are born equal. For every "Survivor" there's a dozen "Laguna Beaches".

But what doesn't happen is the theft of an idea with emails, treatments, production schedules, non-disclosure agreements, and a mountain of physical evidence behind it that shows an entity was already moving the idea forward. Not because it couldn't be, but because...why bother?

The other company is already that much further down the pike in production. It would be a hell of a lot easier to simply come up with something else.

The inner workings of Hollywood have become much more of an open book with box office results, production budgets, lawsuits and everything else is more or less fully disclosed.

We hear about similar ideas racing for release all the time, like when several Alexander the Great movies were in development. However I don't remember a single story from the entertainment world that involved a "stolen idea" that didn't involve a crackpot.

At the end of the day, ideas are just not worth stealing. Only a very greasy, very desperate and very unoriginal person with no grasp of their own taste would steal an idea.

And then, they'd fuck it up.

It only works with so many names

I wish I had a name -and the reputation or notoriety- that invoked the use of "fucking" as a middle name.

Long ago, I used this for a gag in a comic book shop in Orlando. Bruce Lee is certainly a name that allows for this special title. Is it a title when it comes in the middle? I don't want to look it up. Joe, Robert, you two know everything...what's a title or name positioned in the middle? It can't just be a middle name, and it's not a nickname. Put those giant Euro-bred brains to work on that immediately.

In the meantime, I will have fun giving examples of people who are both worthy, and have the correct amount of syllables in their name to make this work.

Neil. Fucking. Armstrong.

Alfred. Fucking. Hitchcock.

Johnny. Fucking. Cash.

Jim. Fuckin. Morrison (not my idea. But the Kids are geniuses and I won't argue)

Steve. Fucking. McQueen*

Sam. Fucking. Peckinpah


I could go on, but you probably get the idea. Perhaps a better example is people who's names simply don't work, or are inappropriate. The following names don't work so well;

Harry. Fucking. Potter.

Orville. Fucking. Redenbacker.

Stephen. Fucking. Hawking.

Some guys can wear a leather jacket, some can't.
I can't.

I mean, I could put one on, but that's not the same thing as wearing it.

I'm glad I could get this straightened out for everyone. I'm sure it was weighing on their psyche.


*probably the most deserving of this honor

It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia

I will post my full Gencon report tomorrow, but I wanted to post this while it was fresh in my head.

I think this show is really quite funny. I don't like many sitcoms, and this one works. I have a weakness for characters that enjoy doing terrible things, and frankly, that's all this show is about.

It owes a huge, undeniable debt to Seinfeld. One inventive critic called it "Seinfeld on crack". While I imagine Seinfeld on crack would just be a skinny Jerry laying in an alley covered in his own vomit and shivering for 22 minutes, I suspect the riewer was trying to embrace some sort of hipster sensibility..from about 10 years ago.

At any rate, these guys are quite good at being self-absorbed, selfish assholes...but I still like them. I find I usually hate a lot of the smarmy jerkstores that pass as the token toolbag on so many sitcoms. Maybe it's simply because on a regular network they don't have the courage of conviction to commit, and the token toolbag saves a kitten, or maybe takes a limey orphan under his wing for an episode and tussles his hair at the end.


So for what it's worth, check it out. I've only seen one episode from the first season and I don't recall being impressed. Either it was a bad example, or they got much better in the second season.

No Coverage Here...

This will not get on the news here. It's way to plain, way to obvious, and it calls a spade a spade. She says everything that needs to be said on the subject, and says it well.

Sure there are a several people in the media (mostly bloggers and radio hosts) who are saying the exact same thing. However, there's a giant problem with them saying it; they're white guys.

Their whiteness inhibits the ability to make objective distictions, and it absolutely blocks the ability to judge anything fairly.

What, oh what is the western media to do with this clip? On one hand here is a secular Arab not blowing stuff up and acting rational. On the other hand, she's talkin' the crazy. She's saying things that would bring about a giant controversy in the US, with apologies demanded and calls for stepping down from office.
If a pundit said it, he/she would be called a bigot, racist, or anything else that's worse than being a murderer right now.

I'll post something fun soon, but I thought this was the bees knees.

Back from Gencon...

I can tell you this...geeks like the word motherfucker on t-shirts.

I sold more of my newest (and most offensive) t-shirt than any other design I or my partner have ever done. This is sort of a bummer because it's only going to encourage me to do more dirty shirts. I'd actually prefer to have a range of sensibilities; super-insider nerdy shirts, silly shirts, cute shirts, and so on...with a couple of offensive shirts.

However, my newest shirt outsold one of my "average" sellers by a ratio of about 8-to-1.

The con was fantastic from top to bottom. I got to see Jami for two days, I sold a buttload of shirts, my new item sold out completely, we got a couple new retailers, I really liked all of Jody's (my business partner) friends and we had a blast.

My only regret was being so pooped on Sunday that I didn't' get to see Biggidy and Knifey.

While I can't possibly post a big Gencon story today, here's what the opening of the doors of the Great Hall looks like on day 1.

My Good Friend

This prank reminds me a fine American that I'm proud to call my friend.

This act screams, oozes, nay...embodies the essence of one Charles Moore.

Chuck, this post is dedicated to you.

My 'hood

I meant to do this a loooong time ago, but just got around to it now.

I was just going to let it go, but I discovered I had some new fans and wanted to post something. Since I'm not really all-fired up about anything upsetting me (just good stuff), I don't have much in the funny bag.

So here is a brief introduction to my neighborhood.

This is my view of the Hollywood hills every day. It's awesome motivation. I'm old enough to be envious, and still young enough to want a rocket launcher. I can see parties sometimes on my way to work on Saturday nights and I think; "My Gosh. Just think of how rich, powerful, beautiful and privileged the people at that party must be. I should go rob those bitches right now". And then common sense takes over and I go to work, to rob some different bitches.

This badass place is less than a block away from me. It's got a little plaque out front that talks about the Academy Award nominated editor that lived there for 25 years. The place is named after him, so it's called the "First place loser house" or something like that. Either way, I think the building is freakin' sweet.

Have I mentioned that West Hollywood is sorta gay? Well if I haven't, it is. It got to the point where I was totally used to seeing billboards and signs that you really wouldn't see many other places.

I'm sorry the billboard pic is blurry. The street was busy and I didn't want people to see me taking a picture of a 20-foot tall man's naked ass. I mean if it had been a 6'5" red-headed naked man, that would be fine. But come on, naked giant ass is out of line.

And to anyone who may defend that second picture and say ;"Oh, come on, that's just two buff shirtless guys play fighting over a ball". I'd like to retort by saying; "You just said Oh, come on, that's just two buff shirtless guys play fighting over a ball."

That picture is the result of a thousand ghey graphic designers and photographers carefully sculpting the gheyest, ghey photo of two men that didn't involve penatration.

I expect that billboard to be up next month.