Central Casting

So I work in a nightclub on Saturdays, yadda, yadda, yadda.

My club is specifically a "scene" for trance DJ music. In other words, an aural excuse to do tons of X, special K, or whatever the hell else it is that everyone's on. These people start showing up around 11-12, and many of them dance for the next 7 hours straight.

While almost 2000 people come every Saturday, there are essentially only about 8 or 10 different people there. Oh sure, there are maybe a hundred casual people just hitting a nightclub, but the overwhelming majority of our customers fit into one of the following categories. Besides, the casual clubber is not annoying, entitled, drug-addled, and without a soul.

The Persian Douche Bag

While this particular type was the subject of a whole other blog entry, it's really, really important. This guy may or may not have a hint of an accent, but regardless he'll call you "bro" all God-damned night. His shirts cost 85$ and his hats looks like Liberace thought it was "too gay". These guys are very, very much about being in "the scene". They either know everybody or act like they do. They overlap into the "Friends of the Promoter" category.
Estimated percentage of club: 10-15%

The Whores

These girls are very pretty. They know this. They also expect this to get them anything they want...especially into VIP for no other reason. Screw them. This currency carries -no- value to me whatsoever. 1) (most importantly) I'm married. 2) I resent that they're handed everything for being pretty. 3.) They're comically, hysterically entitled. I've seen their jaws literally drop when I deny them entry. It's comedy gold.
Oh, also, they clearly screw guys from the club for drugs or money.
Estimated percentage of club: 15%

The Asian Persuasion I (the dancefloor crowd)

These guys are here to dance, dance, dance. They have a head full of something and almost never leave the dancefloor. They don't really annoy me at all, and are actually kinda cute.
Estimated percentage of club: 15%

This Fuckin' Guy
There are only a handful of these guys, but they're terrible. They're in great shape, and by God the whole freakin' club is going to know it...every week.
Estimated percentage of club: .02%

Friends of the Promoter
All these people know the promoter.
This is about how many people come up to me every night and say "Bro, I know everybody! I know Gorble, I know Sara-blah, I know Pingy Ping, I know, I know, I know..."

Guess what dumbass. The promoter's job is to just know people. That's it. Know lots of people and invite them to the club. You're not a unique snowflake, you're a sucker getting separated from your money.
Estimated percentage of club: Seemingly 75%

The Asian Persuasion II (the balcony crowd)

As far as I can tell, these people come here just to do drugs and hang out. The whole balcony is almost entirely taken up by a Korean crowd, and half of them are over 40. I've blogged about this before...so enough of them.
Estimated percentage of club: 15%

Guys that Do the most annoying "dance" move in the known Universe

This is the best example I can find of this. Imagine the guy on the right with both hands up bobbing his arms and hands up and down with only about a 8-12 inch range of motion in time with the beat, and towards the DJ. Ignore the "rock fingers", that's not normally the case. The guy on the left may be doing the one-armed version for those with drinks in their hand.

Estimated percentage of club: 5-10% Interestingly enough, both Asian persuasion groups never do this dance. Also interesting, about 75% of the Persian DB's DO this dance.

Asshats That Wear Sunglasses in the Nightclub

Guys and girls alike, and a cross section of all the other categories do this. I don't know if it's a drug thing, or a cool thing, but it's definitely an asshat thing.


Teh Gheys
Somewhat surprisingly, I don't think teh gheys go to this club very much. I think they have MANY choices before them on a Saturday night in Hollywood.
Estimated percentage of club: 1-2%

TRANNIES!!!
One of my very favorite parts of the evening usually comes around 4am. A group of 3 trannies show up about twice a month and troll for really drunk straight guys. They make out with (I assume) unsuspecting guys all over the club. The security has a blast watching these "girls" at work. So far as I can tell, they rarely take anybody home, which is probably the best thing for everybody, but far from the funniest.*

*BTW, if you ever want a heee-larious but disturbing time, type "trannies" into a flickr search and hang onto your hat.

This is actually a perfect cross-section of many of the groups all together for one crapfest picture.

While this primer is by no means comprehensive, it covers a good bunch of the batch.

Oh, 90% of the staff is awesome. I think most of the staff doesn't care for the music and they're all in on what we're doing...taking these idiot's money.