ditto 

ditto 

My reasons for not killing everyone... 

Clean Air

So last night, I stayed up recockulously late. I went to bed around 3AM. I would have gone to bed at 1:30, but I saw something I couldn’t wrap my head around.
Oxygen channel was running DAZED AND CONFUSED. I not only think this movie is a classic, it has lots of sentimental value for me. It was the midnight movie at the Page Manor movie theater near Wright State (where I went to college). I went dozens of times, about 10 times or so with Mr. Chuck Moore. It was very good times indeed.
So on the Oxygen Channel, they heavily edited DAZED. Understandable, there are one or two F-bombs in DAZED and several shits. What did perplex me is this; they bleeped out all references to pot.
Now if some of you haven’t seen DAZED, I’ll fill you in…pot is another character in the movie. The flick is about kids in Austin, Texas in 1976 and kids in Austin in 1976 (apparently) smoked lots of weed.
Cutting the weed out of DAZED is like trying to cut the spice references out of DUNE (well, maybe that would have made it better)…OK, how about cutting the weed out of DAZED is like cutting the force from STAR WARS, stabbing from KILL BILL or even (God forbid) the cars from GONE IN SIXTY SECONDS…it’s what the movie is about.
What made it that much more odd is the fact that they couldn’t physically cut every scene where somebody is smoking. They did manage to change every dialogue reference to pot to something completely nonsensical. So there are scenes in the movie where the actors are –clearly- getting stoned, yet any conversations about pot are changed to something like:
"I’ve got a big bowl of Married Jan up in my room".

Who’s Jan? And why the hell is she married? Did that happen in your room…wait, what? What?

Ultimately, the deal is this; Why would Oxygen even want to buy DAZED if they don’t want to mention pot? I mean, it’s their cable channel, they can decide to air whatever the hell they want, and I’m all for that. But it doesn’t make sense to pay for a movie primarily about a bunch of kids smoking copious amounts of marijuana, (actually, the movie is "about" the lack of consequences during youth, but that’s a much more boring, filmy discussion) and then edit out all references to said marijuana…AT 3AM!!
Tonight, I hope to watch 9 ½ weeks with all mentions of Kim Basinger’s vagina edited out.

The TV List

At work we discovered nobody though they even LIKED 18 TV shows, much less loved that many, so we cut down the number.
Also, every single one of us would have listed "The Office", so we decided to limit the list to American TV shows.

The same "watchability" rules apply as they did with the film list. I have one footnote to my list, which I'm sure will tick off some of you. Here's my "top 7" TV show list.

Seinfeld

South Park

News Radio

Buffy

Kids In The Hall

Simpsons

Freaks and Geeks (I have the "limited edition" on DVD. This show was ahead of it's time)

OK. Here's the footnote; the Simpsons just barely makes my list. I know, I know, it reinvented comedy. It was the funniest thing on TV for years, and so on. It was brilliant at one time. But we're now quickly approaching a ratio where there will be more bad Simpson's episodes than great ones.
I understand why Fox keeps the show going (it still gets great demos even though ratings have been slipping for years), but I hope for the show's sake, they let it go soon.

The Simpsons...the Terri Schrivo of television.

Something in the Air?

When I woke up today, I detected something in the air. It smelled like Justice. Could China have left Taiwan? No, that's not it. Perhaps muslims across the globe have laid down thier explosives and embraced the 15th century. No, no...OH! Johnny Cochran is dead.

And the world is a teeny, tiny bit more just.

Lists

At my previous job, we had started this office "thing". It was one of those office discussions that demanded company ink and paper be wasted while we wasted company time as well. We really got into lists.
I, (apparently) am somebody who loves categories and labeling things. I wasn't aware of this until more than one person told me unsolicited. So I guess it must be true.

At any rate, I do really LOVE the lists. They require the scrutiny and a level of nerdy micro-deconstruction that only a gamer or sc-fi nerd could muster for most topics.

I'll start with the most "popular" list we did at the office (because it had the most participants). Even some of the girls kicked in their list on this one; movies.

List; In NO particular order, your favorite 18 movies. (fortunately for me, films made in one sitting were given to me as 1 movie). The primary requirement is watchability. This is not a list of movies that you feel are necessarily the most artistic examples of cinema ever, or the "all time greatest" or anything like that. These are the 18 movies that you never tire of seeing. These 18 somehow seem fresh to you in one way or another on every viewing...which you still give them.

With those rules in mind, here are my 18;

RUSHMORE

THE BIG LEBOWSKI

BIG TROUBLE IN LITTLE CHINA

ARMY OF DARKNESS

LORD OF THE RINGS

NETWORK

EMPIRE STRIKES BACK

CONAN THE BARBARIAN

KILL BILL

GOODFELLAS

FIGHT CLUB

MILLERS CROSSING

RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK

HEATHERS

GROSS POINT BLANK

THE PRINCESS BRIDE

OFFICE SPACE

TRUE ROMANCE

So, there are my 18. I'd love to see the lists from my 3 or 4 regulars...

Next time, songs? TV shows? or favorite 18 African Countries? It's anyone's guess.

Potpourri? Popuorri? Poop-puri?

I think it's the first one...wait, I'll spell check...yup. The first one. I didn't know that.
So I've been chastised by a follower blogger that I don't post often enough. So I'll post in the now.
That's right, I'm going to TALK ABOUT MY DAY LIKE MOST OTHER LAME BLOGGERS.
Oh, except you, other blogger that might read this; your posts about your day-to-day are fascinating.
So spyware created by demons, Baptists, or Dentists has invaded my computer. It's put a full-screen "SPYWARE MAY BE INFECTING YOUR SYSTEM" ad on my desktop. It covers my background, but not my shortcuts. No shit I've got spyware. Your shitty ad is covering my awesome, kick-ass Pride background of Mirko Cro-Cop knocking Mark Coleman the fuck out.
So I spend about an hour a day fighting this spyware which is also slowing my system down. Additionally, I can't log onto City Of Heroes for some reason. It's just as well. I'm really not playing many video-games lately. I'm mostly staying productive.
How, may you ask?
By researching a project for a friend and myself to become ball-smashing, world-owning movie moguls. My rise to power is too far past due.
Also, I'm working on other little projects like my t-shirts, Ebaying, and cleaning this place up.

My bunny rabbits are being so cute right now, I want to punch Oliver Stone right in the face.

They're running around chasing each other, kicking their heels up reminding me how gut-wrenchingly terrible ALEXANDER was.

Oh, I also won a film festival. See the link for how the thing worked. My team, The Roamin' Polanski's, won a graphics package from a local post house, a case of Red Bull, tickets to the local arthouse theater, and a day's shooting on the Disney backlots. The backlots thing is valued at 8 grand, but I'm not sure why. There's not much there to shoot anymore...we'll see what we do with it.

At this very moment, The Ashlee Simpson show is on while I type this. It has a very bizarre hypnotic effect on me. It's not like watching The Simple Life (which I do) because Paris and Nicole are very certainly going to hell. This topic doesn't need a rant, it should an obvious given.
Ashlee, on the other hand, honestly seems like a sweet girl. She's an astronomically spoiled, privileged, lucky, and beautiful girl. So life must be tough. I guess that's what I find funny about this, and the Nick and Jessica show. It's hard to create conflict or drama when life fucking rules. When they get all weepy about a problem that a regular person would trade everything to give two shits about, it's embarrassing.

Well, I've got to ship some Ebay stuff, file my Ohio taxes, and go buy comic books.

Also, my bunnies just yawned. I now have to go kick Michael Bay in the pouch.

OH! PS (Joe, Bob, Chris, possibly Jim?) The American version of The Office is on tonight. I don't think we'll be able to judge from the first one how it will be, since it's a shot for shot remake of the first episode, but we can get a handle on the performances.

These shorts can only lead to trouble...

Suspicious shorts

So about a year ago, my mom bought me these shorts. They're just jean shorts. Not fashionable, but not unwearable either. There was something about them though...that put me off. I only wore them once in the past year. It was VERY low on laundry the other day (being unemployed keeps you plenty busy) and I put the shorts on. While I did laundry and surfed the net for jobs, I flipped on the TV. It was on FX, since Jami watches Buffy reruns religiously every morning while she gets ready. In the afternnoon, FX runs lots and lots of episodes of COPS. Holy crap. I've got "suspicious shorts", or "arresting shorts" or "poor crackhead shorts". Whatever they are, every other guy arrested on COPS is wearing these shorts. Am I going to get arrested wearing these shorts? Only time will tell. Now that I've noticed this, I only want to wear them that much more. I need to get an older, crappier car, have a tail light out, meth or crack on me, and no shoes.

How to become an Executive Producer.

The following post will outline the key elements of becoming a successful executive producer in television, or at least on the lowest-rated morning show in the United States.

Step One: Be Born Wealthy

I know, I know, you can't help who your parents are. Well, that attitude isn't going to make you an executive producer now, is it?
Do whatever it is you gotta do to be born into a very wealthy family. This is imperative to becoming a big-shot TV commander-type person. This must mean I'm speaking to unborn fetuses. Why? Because that's where the groundwork to good television is laid. You can't be born rich at age 13. You have to have money from when you were very little so all the spoiled, stunted instincts are driven in from an early age. Which brings me to number 2...

Step Two: Have a Major Fucked-Up Emotional Childhood Trauma.

I don't care if daddy drank. I don't care if creepy uncle Charlie touched your swimsuit area. The important part here is that something very traumatic must happen to you somewhere from the age of 6-14. If you're too young to remember it, it won't count. All the molestation in the world at age 2 won't go towards television supremacy unless it affects you later in life. Step 2 is absolutely essential for the following step...

Step Three: Have the Emotional Capacity of a Child

If you can process external stimuli at an adult level, you're doomed. You don't have what it takes to effectively run a really, really terrible television show. In order to control/create/dictate REALLY awful television, it's absolutely necessary that you feel the need to yell at grown adults.
That's right, grown-ups. Grown-ups pefectly capable of holding a real conversation to resolve and issue should be yelled at like children. If you can do this with no hint of irony, laughing, or a clue that you're radically emotionally stunted, you're golden.

Step Four: Do Major Drugs When Young. Then brag about it to Employees Whom You've Known for Two Weeks.

I know this is asking a lot. The title alone seems like a statistical anomaly. Yet, in my experience, it's totally necessary that you not only 1) Do drugs beyond pot, shrooms or acid (cocaine would be PERFECT!!!) you must also 2) Tell your brand-new employees about your former drug use, WAY before they're even comfortable with you as their boss, much less as a human being.
I can't stress enough that while Step Four seems like a tall order, it's as common to EP's as saying "Why the fuck did you do that?" (Honestly, I don't recall tale of either EP ever saying this, but everyone I worked with could imagine either one of them saying it, so fuck em'.

Step Five: Be Ridiculed About How You Don't Remember Anything

To be fair, EP's have to remember a LOT. They're expected to keep track of a ridiculous amount of information for the show management, show content, corporate rules/dealings, ratings, employee issues, guests, and anything else you care to throw in.
While even granting this wiggle-room, you must be absolutely sure that you don't remember vital information correctly that you've told other show managers, or the senior producer. It helps greatly if you regularly (not occasionally!) contradict things that you've said within a 24-hour period.

Step Six: Be Borderline Sociopathic

The ten major symptoms for sociopaths are: not learning from experience, no sense of responsibility, inability to form meaningful relationships, inability to control impulses, lack of moral sense, chronically antisocial behavior, no change in behavior after punishment, emotional immaturity, lack of guilt, self-centeredness

If you match at least four or five of these symptoms, congratulations, you're on your way to EP-land!


Step Seven: Quitely Hate Yourself

This is tough. It shouldn't be noticeable to the average employee. You have to strike the perfect balance of clearly hating your life or yourself to some degree, while having all the trappings of a successful life. Most of this can be blamed and/or tracked back to numbers Two and Three, but you have to be so remarkably stupid or arrogant (your choice!) to not acknowledge the cause of what's obvious to even a casual observer.

While none of these steps alone are guarantees to becoming an EP, they're proven traits of real-life, big-time television executive producers.
The total annual budget of the big-time show they run is nearly 9% (let me write that; NINE PERCENT) of what Matthew Perry made on his last year of Friends!!!

With cash like that my friends, who needs qualified leadership?

My girlfriend still makes fun of me...

I know last blog entry, I said I would reveal the cast of characters at work. That entry has lost all sense of fun, interest or whatever since I just got fired.

Yes dear readers, fired. Thursday actually. Good ol' Lance had my good boss Pat bring me into his office. Pat looked very upset, so I already knew what was up.

The reason given was the elimination of my position. Truth be told, decisions about how to promote the show had reduced my workload substantially over the past few months. I had a couple projects coming up, but usually I had about 3 hours of real work every day. I certainly would've loved to do other promotional campaigns, but the company has decided on a very tradition method of promoting the show...make it so indistinguishable bland so the unwashed masses will flock.

SO, it was explained to me that my work would be spit up between my boss and one of the editors that works on the show. The editors usually have a couple hours on their hands at the end of the day anyway so logistically, I understand the firing.

On the other hand...

Fuck Lance. Fuck him for firing me in the manner which he did. Actually, fuck hiding his name anymore, Fuck Troy.

You see, another producer on our show has "agreed" to leave. I honestly don't know if it was suggested by Troy that she leave, or if she brought it up and he asked for a cut-off date, but nevertheless, it went a different way. This other producer, Amy, was remarkably unhappy with her job (which is a common symptom on this terrible morning show). She was very vocal in her displeasure at work and didn't hide it from Troy. The end result was Amy agreeing to seek a new job...And she was given 4 months to find a new job.

That's how Troy handles the situation if the employee in question has tits. Now, all "Mike has tits too" jokes aside, the guy didn't even talk to men that work on the show the first two weeks he worked there.
He has some fascinatingly simple neurosis stemming from a childhood trauma, and he wears them on his sleeve.

Not that I'm bitter. I was rather complacent with a paycheck. I was never working on anyting interesting. The show was never going to promote me. The show was bought by morons.
All in all, they did me a favor. It's just hard to appreciate the favor with the fresh slap of indignity that is getting fired fresh on the mind.

New Characters

Long ago, my friends and I discussed the idea of “extras” and the Cast of Characters that inhabit your life. Generally, we were talking about the people that would show up invariably at every function that we did. They were bit players, but they were everywhere. You’d see them at the movies, at concerts, festivals, and certainly at the clubs.
There were also a host of day players that provided massive amounts of comedy. The ugliest (inside and out) couple I’ve ever known in my life were members of the Wright State Gamer’s Guild. One of the most bizarre, spoiled, drunken self-parodies of a human being I’ve ever met was a friend of Rob’s.

Moving has only changed the players. It seems that my friends and I are destined to be surrounded by freaks and lunatics…which really, is more interesting than soccer moms and Guido’s, but onto the point.

Since I’ve moved to Florida, I’ve encountered quite the cast of characters. I’ll try to paint as vivid a portrait as possible.

Gerald

Gerald is in my gaming group. On Monday nights I run a D&D group for some people I met at the local comic shop. Although the Golden Age of gaming is over, my Monday group is surprisingly fun.
Gerald is about 6’1” and while only weighing about 165lbs, he still manages to look out of shape. He’s 30, but he could pass for 35. His almost shoulder-length greasy black hair has a 3inch wide strip on the side about 2 feet longer than the rest (presumably, to show how long his hair once was).
His speech is very deliberate and articulate. He sounds like the impersonation that freshmen might do of their history 101 professor.
Finally, Gerald has typical gamer style; David Koresh/John Hinkley-type glasses, lots of wolf t-shirts with very tight stonewashed jeans.
Now after a relatively negative physical portrait, I should point out that Gerald is pretty funny when he wants to be, and pretty smart.
Why do I say he’s smart? Easy, he doesn’t have a job. Gerald doesn’t have a job and as far as I can tell, not a care in the world about it.
I was told in some very vague terms about some “botched surgeries” on Gerald that resulted in what I would estimate to be a six-figure malpractice settlement. These settlements -combined with a monk’s existence while still living at his mom’s house- means no work for Gerald. That is extraordinarily fortunate, since with no girlfriend, no job, no charity work, and no house to tend…he can’t make gaming some nights.
I don’t know exactly is keeping Gerald from the game. But I do know it’s not because he’s doing underwater demolitions…which he can do. Seriously.
Apparently, a few years ago, Gerald enrolled into a scuba class. While at this class, he met someone who was there as part of a larger training course –underwater welding-. Fascinated, (as any of us would be) Gerald also enrolled in the full course and was soon a qualified underwater welder.
However, it was not made clear to Gerald that when on real job sites, somebody else above water controlled the flow of acetylene to your torch below water. The miscommunication between these two peoples can (and does, a couple times a year) result in the welder getting blowed up.
And for this reason, Gerald does not use his skills in underwater demolitions.

Next,...who's who on our show.