All the difference in the world....

Partially motivated by finally being back at kickboxing, and possibly due to The Bouncer posting something like this, I bring you "people can't fight".

With unlimited wind, I'd put even money on the boxer being able to do that to those four guys all day long.

Back to Kickboxing

After several years away from kickboxing, I'm finally able to go again. Today was my third day this week.

I would have gone yesterday but my legs hurt so bad from the first two days, I could barely walk.

Who in LA am I taking Muay Thai kickboxing from, you ask?

Paco from Bloodsport.

The jig is up!

Well, the twist to Big Brother season 8 has been revealed a few days before the first episode.

Here is a brief article in Variety with pictures of the cast members. I'm directly responsible for one of the cast members, who in my opinion, is one of the hottest girls to ever be on reality television.

Any guesses on who I put in the house?

You can't move a post up?

If you start a post then finish it after you've written a new one, it apparently goes behind the other one.

Here is the Snake Story.

Or you can just scroll down.

I quite literally Lol.

This is the most astoundingly, asstastically, balls-out narcissistic craziness I've heard in a long time.

I'm sure a documentary praising the merits of Cuba's health care system over that of the US was the FIRST thing Apple was worried about when deciding when to release the Iphone.

The one thing I will credit Michael Moore for is being a world-class rabble rouser. He's turned the far left into a giant marketing machine with all energies directed towards making him rich. One could argue he's simply sticking his sweaty meathooks into the Iphone because it's got the larger spotlight for the time being. This is brilliant free marketing, and it will get real press as sure as I'm bitching about it now.

The only thing is, I'd bet the farm, my eye teeth and dollars to donuts that Moore really believes this; “I don’t see how Steve Jobs can call himself a ‘liberal’ and then try to silence my film,” said Moore. “Americans should be learning about our corrupt healthcare system on Friday, but instead they’re going to be lining up for a silly $600 dollar gadget.”

Translation; People are giving their money to Apple when they're supposed to be giving it to me.

NEXT: THE SNAKE STORY!

The Snake Story

When I was about 8 years old, my family went on a double vacation with my dad's good friend John and his family. There were seven of us staying at a lake house somewhere in Florida, I don't recall where exactly.

We went fishing and boating in the lake but drove to the beach to go swimming. Our house was directly in front of the dock that served 4 or 5 different houses. It was quite long since the lake was so shallow and had a big lounge area at the end with tables and such. We must've been there during an off season because I don't remember seeing anybody else around or any boats at the dock.

The dock started all the way back at the driveway in between two of the houses. There was a four or five foot drop from the grassy yard to a small sandy area that only went for about 8 or 10 feet before you were in water. So the dock was elevated above the sandy area by five feet or so. There was a little two-person rowboat that I was allowed to take out on the water by myself, as long as it was within yelling distance of our dock. I took it out every day because I couldn't believe I was allowed to do it.

One day all the parents are out on the lounge part of the dock. It's almost dinner time and they're laying out and grilling. I was going to take the boat out and have my burger handed to me at the end of the dock, because how awesome is it to have your hamburger in a little rowboat? Seriously, who does that?!!

I started to push the boat from the sand into the water and I heard something like air escaping a tire. I stopped because I thought the boat had caught something like a tire or hose. Out from beneath the boat slithered a water moccasin.* I totally froze in my tracks, scared out of my 8-year old mind. The snake coiled in a circle about three feet in front of me and had it's head raised. It seemed pissed or scared, but I promise you I was more scared. I was 8 and the snake was longer than I was tall.
As it happened, my mom was walking back from the lounge area right after this happened. She was about halfway down the dock and could see what was going on. Mom (26 at the time) was evidently as scared as I was and only managed to scream "snake" with panic in her voice.

By her account, she was still turning around to yell snake a second time to my stepdad, Ed (43 at the time) when she realized he had just sprinted past her on the dock. Before anyone else really knew what was going on, Ed had ran the length of the dock and jumped off onto the beach. In mid-jump, he grabbed an oar that was resting against one of the pilings and severed the snake's head with the paddle's edge as he landed.

I shit you not.

*There was a snake book in the house and the snake was certainly venomous. There was only debate over whether the cottonmouth and the water moccasin were the same snake or not.

So that's the Snake Story.

Next, Bob's Cubicle Scam AKA Trying to wear the old man out.

Only in America

This speaks volumes.

While I've always been "slightly annoyed" or "irritated" by people wearing Mao or Che shirts, I didn't even consider that those shirts exist in countries where citizens remember relatives dying at the hands of communists.

I'm gonna go hand out in Poland with my awesome new Hitler shirt!!

Besides, you know what a cautious fellow I am.

I admit with no shame that this gave me a bit of a semi.

While I'm very excited about the prospect of a new INDIANA JONES movie, the obvious and disastrous results of other sequels makes me nervous.

Obviously, a big problem is having a 65-year old hero. You can't have him outrunning natives and fighting multiple Nazis while hanging off a truck. (my God that's a good movie.)

The fights have to be much more about being clever than tough. Lots of dropping the chandelier on the bad guys' heads and the like. Fortunately, Indy has always been about failing spectacularly. His fights rarely, if ever result in him getting the idol, saving Marion, or not getting tied up and saved quite literally by Deus Ex Machina.

However, that's not to say that old guys can't be a badass for a long, long time. In honor of that, I'm going to write down the best Ed* stories over the next couple days. A couple of you have heard them a million times, so bear with me.


*My stepdad.

That was one in a million kid.

As I was on my home from work last week I took the Highland exit into Hollywood. I was already on the exit when I noticed it was -totally- backed up.

Fuck.

There was a concert at the Hollywood Bowl, which means I was going to be in traffic for about 45 minutes to get past the next 3/4 of a mile. While mad for a second or two, I got over it. There was nothing I could do and it was my own fault for not checking the traffic before I left work. So I sat, and I waited.

about 30 minutes later, I had made it through. It was actually refreshing for the car to go over 5 MPH for a couple seconds. But then...

About five or six cars ahead of me there was a car just sitting in the right-hand lane. There was a small, dirt parking lot to our right and it was full. The car up ahead had tried to pull in an the parking lot attendant had evidently stopped him. Rather than back up and drive past like any normal human being would do, he sat there. In the road.

There wasn't a shoulder to pull onto, there wasn't any room for cars to get past him, yet he just sat there. It dawned on me after about 5-8 seconds that the bastard was going to wait for a car to leave that dirt lot...while forty or fifty cars have piled up behind him.
The traffic behind me in my lane went as far as I could see, back past the last intersection, which was now also blocked because too many cars thought they should have been able to make it through the light but couldn't because this guy was just fucking sitting in the middle of the road.

In LA traffic, I've picked up the habit of leaving several feet between me and the car in front of me in the event of a rear-ending, or the chance to safely pull into the other lane to go around the inevitable grabastically selfish drivers in LA that block lanes...like this event.

This offense, however, was the most blatantly selfish and "fuck you, rest of traffic" move I've ever seen here. Everyone sat there paralyzed for about 20 seconds in disbelief. Horns were expressing every one's discontent.

Because of the curve of the road and my few feet of free space, I was able to pull into the left lane and pass the mess. I had a half-empty can of diet coke which I decided the entirety of traffic would appreciate on the guy's roof or hood more than in my belly. So right when I was about to pass the offending car I hurled the can out the drivers-side window with sort of a grenade-lobbing arc throw you'd have to do to throw something over your own car from the drivers side.

I was expecting a nice satisfying smack of aluminum and Splenda-infused sweetness hitting the hood or maybe even windshield of the guy's car. No such noise. I looked at his car -just- in time to see the whole can disappear right into the driver's side window and the driver jump with surprise.

Holy assclowns.

I couldn't believe my luck. The clouds parted and the Angels sang as my diet coke arrow stuck true in the heart of the Giant...the Giant Traffic Asshole.

The car was quickly in my rear-view mirror and I couldn't see the extent of the soda carnage. I'll never know if it hit the steering wheel and a fountain of Coke exploded in carbonated retribution like the Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch.

I can only assume that anyone that saw that event not only thinks I'm some sort of crack shot, they also hail me as a hero.

Luckiest. Throw. Ever.

Real Quick

I'm working later and later the last few weeks of my job. All Hell broke out this week, and we're having to deal with it. All will be clear the first week of July.

At any rate, I just wanted to ask about something. While I'm pretty solidly in the McCain camp despite changes in some of his positions over the last few years, I decided I should see what the Democratic candidates are about besides the two rock stars, Clinton and Obama.

There were no real surprises with Biden, Dodd or the guys I've never heard of before.

What sorta shocked me was the platform of Dennis Kucinich. Now I knew he was -way- left. Left field left. I didn't know he was for completely government-run universal health care, a total ban on handguns, and open to -nothing- but diplomatic solutions with Iran.

Certainly, McCain has some ideas that very unpopular with his base, yet his strong pimp hand with international policy -despite coming off a disastrous Republican administration in that regard- is REALLY distasteful to his critics. Nevertheless, he plays the middle ground on a few things because, well, that's politics...and he wants to win.

I have a really, really hard time believing that with total universal health care and a complete ban on handguns, Dennis expects to get the job. If anything, I have to admire the asstastically crazy ballsitude it takes to really say the radical crap he believes in.

On the other hand, I feel sorry for his constituency. They're backing a dude who must know this approach will never fly, not how he's couching it.

This post was written in 6 minutes before work. I should elaborate, but I think you get the gist.

So, does he -really- think he can get crowned prom king with this, or does he just want to be at the party?