Bloggy McBloggerson

Why Not 100?

2009-12-02T11:31:00.000-08:00

No post in forever...but this is very funny to me.

I check a job site every day called realitystaff.com. 90% of the jobs in reality are from people you've worked for in the past, or friends tell you about something staffing up..sometimes however you can get lucky and get a hit on here.

"Recuiters" are the foot soldiers of reality casting. They're a little bit below Production Assistant, and they're fired like cannon fodder every day. And sometimes, it's not really their fault. They have a really hard job...cold stone approaching strangers on the street and hassling them to be on a TV show.

You'll do this throughout your casting career, but recruiters ONLY do this...and it sucks donkey balls.

Now some Casting Producers will require a daily quota from their recruiters. I understand the need, even though I personally don't do it. Either way, finding people for a show where they can WIN MONEY is harder than you'd think, much less a show where they don't stand to gain much. So quotas should be realistic...obtainable.

I saw this posting on realitystaff today and quite literally "loled". (bold in the description is mine).

job title: Casting Associate (Recruiter)
job start: December 2 job end: December 23
total weeks: 3
show name: XXXXXXXX
network: ABC
company: Confidential
location: Los Angeles
job description:
Seeking strong CASTING RECRUITERS to find families for ABC's "XXXXXXXX"

Job description:
*Follow assigned recruiting agenda and attend recommended events/family venues

*Scout family-friendly locations for families qualified for "XXXXX"

*Meet 10 families/day quota

Rate is $115/day based on meeting 10/day quota
PLEASE NOTE: Seeking confident and experienced recruiters only. We typically recruit weekends so this can make for some great extra income.
------------------------

Ten. Families. A Day.
I would expect to somebody who's never worked a single day in reality TV knows this number is nonsense. And since I know the hummingbird attention-span type of person this sort of request comes from, I wonder why they didn't make it 20 families a day, hell...why not 100?

I XXXXed out the name of the show incase some google miracle happens, and somebody in casting found this post. Not like I'm dying to work on this show, but a gig is a gig.

But this casting director is either in love with torturing recruiters, or firing them.

What I do...

2009-06-30T11:55:00.000-07:00

...is so mind-bogglingly fucked up. The process makes great sense to a certain point.

I will put up a blog of examples very soon. Today I've experienced frustration beyond anything else I've seen thus far in "Hollywood".

We can only hope that studios and networks go down in giant balls of flame to make way for smaller, more creative, and mobile entities to make our entertainment.

Note the time stamp....

2009-06-25T14:54:00.000-07:00

I dare not put this on my facebook, or even myspace, but I had to get it in print right away;

I feel a great disturbance in the force. As if thousands of 8 year-old's buttholes cried out with a sigh of relief.

LA by Cell Phone 4

2009-06-10T07:41:00.001-07:00

This is the greeter at the Abercrombie at the Grove on Fairfax. Makes sense. I always want to see a bare-chested twink when I buy jeans.

This is the greeter at the Abercrombie in the Grove with Dan Dominguez. It makes no sense.

Important Intertubes "News"

2009-05-02T11:28:00.001-07:00

So this is probably ancient history for the intertubes experts, but this is the best thing I've ever found for music;

Make yer own radidio!

Link goes straight to my "station". I've only added about 20 groups so far.

It's amazing.

Tee-Vee Funnies

2009-04-23T09:36:00.000-07:00

I'm interrupting "LA by Cell Phone" to bring... (who...anybody?...nobody is reading since I quit several months ago) you this tidbit;

I was in a pre-production meeting yesterday for an awards show I'm working on. It's not one of the "Big Ones", but looks to be a fun cute little awards show.
Since it's not one of the "Big Ones" it's star power is set to "stun", not "kill".

Long story short, I heard the name Tom Bergeron more times in two hours than Tom's agent has heard it in 5 years.

LA by cell phone 3

2009-04-22T20:43:00.000-07:00

This is a pregnancy test I saw on the sidewalk in Hollywood. Look closely...it's positive. I'd pay cash money to know how it got there.

LA by cell phone 2

2009-04-18T16:51:00.000-07:00

These are from the DEAL OR NO DEAL wrap party last year. The house is some mansion in the Hollywood hills that just gets rented out for parties and movies. It's re-freaking-donkulous. There's a helicopter pad, and that's a boat in the pool.

LA by cell phone

2009-04-15T15:54:00.000-07:00

I wanted to do this months ago. My cell phone is partially at fault, but my apathy would hold the lion's share of the blame.

At any rate, here's the first installment of "LA by Cell Phone".

It's much simpler than all this...

2009-02-14T11:37:00.001-08:00

There's a documentary essentially about what a terrible filmmaker George Lucas is;

http://defamer.com/5153242/landmark-people-vs-george-lucas-case-to-be-decided-next-year

It looks like it's going to be slightly more fair-minded by the end of it, we shall see.

Joe and I have talked about this for years; Lucas is an -excellent- producer. He's a hack writer and a VERY terrible director.

So he fulfilled his duties to the studios in spades, but he failed his fan base tremendously by not setting ego aside and having somebody re-write his story and hiring a good director.

The Tipping Scale

2008-12-10T15:58:00.000-08:00

This is only big news to science and/or political nerds right now.

I'm super-duper excited to see what happens in the next 2-3 years as it starts to seep into public knowledge.

Especially in Hollywood. I can't wait for this to happen like I used to wait for Christmas when I was 8.

Now, I know the Chicken Littles will not eat their well-deserved shit sandwich without protest. They were lied to. They were mislead.

I know I shouldn't be excited about just being right. I should be happy that we can now direct the energy, money and effort towards something that will actually have a positive affect on the world. Not that this will happen, but it's a lovely thought.

PS- I hate MTV.

Twilight

2008-11-25T10:02:00.000-08:00

I had never heard of this book series because I'm not in touch with my 14 year old cousins.

I have no idea if the movie is good or not, but it's brilliant marketing and an obvious flick to make.

Here's a great review of it.

If you can't be bothered with the whole review, just enjoy this nugget;

"It’s impossible to know for sure what’s going on inside Edward’s head because Pattinson is a horrible, horrible actor, delivering his lines with a Keanu Reeves-esque look of panicked confusion, like a moose that’s just woken up in a space shuttle."

I remember good and stuff

2008-11-25T08:38:00.000-08:00

The person running the department for the show I currently work on came into me and my co-worker's quad cube area.

She bounced her nail on a photo of an applicant that was on our wall.

"This guy looks really familiar...did he apply for another show some time?"

Nobody knows because...none of us have worked for this company before.

"I'm sure I know his face, I have a photographic memory. I have a great memory for pictures and photographs."

I make enough money to make taking this job worthwhile. My boss makes over 3 times what I make.

Bored + Stupid Equals Angry Mom

2008-11-21T11:25:00.000-08:00

So I'm working on a show right now with a silly title. However, it's being hosted and moderated by a respected and real doctor.

If you've never, ever heard of this person but watch TV, I guess I could understand this mother being pissy.

http://www.ocregister.com/articles/sex-teens-parents-2232772-flier-mtv

However, an ounce of effort would reveal she's being a complete busy-body of crapulent proportions.

This network may have about eight or nine shows in production at one time that exploit teenager's sexuality; this is the -one show- that does not.

So naturally, she has her panties in a bunch, because she's from the OC and could probably be beaten by Coco the ape in chess.

Back to the basics...

2008-11-11T15:09:00.000-08:00

Yeah, I quit for a while...sue me. I'll give all your money back.

At any rate, I've backlogged a few great "hollywood" stories. Some of them are really just Los Angeles stories, but all stuff that you only see in this city one way or another.

Fist up;

I walked to the comic book store last week. There was a large, buff black guy in camo fatigues sitting on the sidewalk on my block. He was writing something longhand on a legal pad. There were other bundles of hand-written pages around him with BIG TITLES across the top.

He was sitting in such a way that I couldn't see what the title of what he was working on.

On the way home, I could see the title; "KICKING ASS".

I totally want to read it.

20 years of Shark Week

2008-08-25T22:39:00.000-07:00

and a video clip on the internets makes me say "What the motherfuck?"

Join me in the pants-crapping at about :23 seconds in.

I actually have a real post about something that happened (well, is happening to be more accurate) at work.

I think it sums up the reality casting world to a T.

Give it a day or two...

Late Night Monologue Zinger

2008-03-12T17:22:00.000-07:00

So the following is being reported about the prostitute that Gov. Spitzer "visited". (Isn't that a nice way of saying "humped for money"?)

---
Dupre's MySpace page provides a window into her life as she went from a broken home in New Jersey to a music career in the city.

"I have been alone. I have abused drugs. I have been broke and homeless. But, I survived, on my own. I am here, in NY because of my music," she wrote."

----

I am here, in NY because of my music, and my vagina. LATE NIGHT MONOLOGUE ZINGER!!!

Leno, pay me for that joke you multi-millionaire, you!

Beg and bother him for the best story ever

2008-03-08T21:08:00.000-08:00

The older Gressis brother over at Bullitt's Bros has one of the greatest stories ever told in the pipe. I urge every one of my six or seven readers to email the crap out of him until we get the write up...

...the write up of the Five-dollar Dick Hands Story.

I cried with laughter.

This one has upper management written all over him

2008-02-25T23:43:00.000-08:00

Everyone has had a dumb boss. Or a lazy one, or absent or whatever. I've been fortunate enough to have some -great- bosses since getting into casting. It was a serious wake-up call and attitude adjustment about my lingering preconceived notions of Hollywood.

By and large, they're quite good at their jobs, and I've learned a lot from them.

This doesn't mean there aren't some practices which I still find unusual.

This question is for you real-world jobby types;

Have you ever had to train your supervisor in exactly the practice, form and execution of the duties which they'll be supervising you doing?

I have. Twice in two weeks.

Nice Strikin'

2007-12-28T11:26:00.000-08:00

Since Wal-mart is notoriously wasteful and mismanages inventory like crazy, I'm sure they were making money hand over fist with downloading movies.

The article claims that download sales represented 1% of DVD sales in 2006. Would you take 5 months off work for a 1% raise? That's some fine accounting.

Even if the "industry experts" are right, we're still talking about fighting NOW for a 10% raise up to ten years from now.

While we can all thank our lucky stars that Aaron Sorkin isn't putting pen to paper for a few months, the strike still has a lot more negatives than positives for the industry as a whole, while the writers stand to gain next to nothing in the next 3-5 years for their efforts.

Thanks, fags!

LA by Cellphone

2007-12-11T13:52:00.000-08:00

Just so I post every so often, I thought of a "feature" blog I can do. While I think it will result in some good (and entertaining) entries, I'm mostly doing this format because it requires so little effort.

So the feature is this; whenever I see or experience something that seems uniquely "LA", I'll capture it on my cell phone as best I can. Then I'll try to write some crap and make it funny.

Here's a big triple-feature starter;

The newest game show I just cast, DUEL, was shot on the Disney lot in Burbank. Just as one would expect at Disney, the squirrels can all sing, dance and smile all the time. While this little guy wasn't singing or dancing, he was -quite- fat and not shy at all about getting a handout.

For some strange reason, they seem to hang out around the commissary.

This is a piece of graffiti on a power box...or phone thing. I think it has something to do with traffic lights. Whatever it is, somebody slapped one of those graffiti stencils on it from this company.

Finally, just going to pick up a salad in West Hollywood may end in a hug from a decked-out, fully made-up tranny....

More LA by Cellphone to come...

Letdown as relief

2007-11-20T22:58:00.000-08:00

I really, really liked THE DEPARTED.

Frankly, I think it's a Scorsese masterwork, equal to GOODFELLAS and TAXI DRIVER.
Really.

Anywho, I knew it was a remake of INFERNAL AFFAIRS, which always bothered me a little bit.
I wondered how much of the brilliance of the movie -the things that I loved the most- were from a Hong Kong actioner.

Well, there was a DEPARTED/INFERNAL AFFAIRS double feature at one of the best theaters in the country, the New Beverly Theater. I was relieved to find out that the genius was largely Scorsese, the writer and his brilliant editor Thelma Schoonmaker.

I fell asleep during INFERNAL affairs about five times. And don't give me any crap about subtitles, pacing or cultural differences. I love THE SEVEN SAMURAI, and I've seen fucking TAMPOPO and DRIFTING WEEDS you uncultured baboons, so eat me.

Do you miss old Ben Folds Five?

2007-11-20T22:56:00.000-08:00

If you do, don't fear.

These guys took up the banner. Or whatever.

I swear I have a post about work coming up. It's been so long since I've posted, I'm sure my 2 readers are terrified...

Super Quick

2007-11-20T13:08:00.000-08:00

I haven't posted in a long time, and have a work-related post coming up for certain.

In the meantime, I thought this was interesting.

The line the made me "lol" was this; "Washington banned handguns in 1976, saying it was designed to reduce violent crime in the nation's capital. The City Council that adopted the ban said it was justified because "handguns have no legitimate use in the purely urban environment of the District of Columbia."
How's that workin' out for ya DC?*

*Keep in mind, the handgun ban went into effect in 1976. Look at the murders per year after that year, especially in the 80's.

Decay

2007-10-07T10:45:00.001-07:00

While this is sad, it's also of interest to those who watch THE WIRE.

It's also a reminder of the perpetual state of terrified racism the media is caught in. A school shooting (read: white) is always national news, but four killings a day in Baltimore is par for the course.

They're stuck in a bit of a pickle. Being a racist is worst that the Holocaust, raping kids and letting Aaron Sorkin write combined. So they won't show the rate of murder in the most decayed urban areas, which is appalling.

However, by concentrating on the school shootings so much, they appear to "not care" about black murders. I'm sure they care, or at least think they care but don't want to show those communities or neighborhoods in a bad light. I can understand that, because who really thinks south Detroit or West Baltimore is a great vacation spot?

If journalists on a whole would be a little more intellectually honest (there are some obviously) they'd start applying the "Why did this happen" line of questioning to both situations, not just the crazed lone gunman.

As long as Al Sharpton and Jesse Jackson are filling their pockets by blaming whitey for inner city decay, no real questions are ever going to be asked.

The guys that write THE WIRE should probably run the city of Baltimore...

Electric socket coffee

2007-10-04T12:39:00.000-07:00

This morning when I made my cup of coffee, I grabbed a spoon from the sink and washed it off before using it to stir sugar-free creamy goodness into my morning "go" juice.

The second or third sip, I noticed something off...I couldn't detect what. The coffee had a slight aftertaste, but I couldn't tell you what it was. The creamer I used was a new flavor so I thought that must have been it.

Halfway through the cup, I figured it out...dishsoap. My coffee has the slightest hint of dishsoap aftertaste.

I guess I'm not as good of a washer-offer as I thought.

Oh, and now my tummy hurts.

Tone

2007-10-03T11:07:00.000-07:00

Two shows are back on that I find pretty hee-larious despite their flaws; The Office and It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia.

My gripe with The Office last season was simple...Michael is too stupid to live. On the British version the boss was a little stupid but mostly sexist, racist, arrogant, a little slimy and ultimately...unlikable.

The ubiquitous Steve Carell plays a character so cartoonishly stupid, he would really have to be in a group home. Meanwhile, the rest of the cast is playing in the real world. OK, maybe Dwight is a bit off the charts as well but not near the level of Michael Scott, retard Extraordinaire. The romances all matter in the show because they're being played quite real. Stanley and most of the other office members are played very real and they're still funny. The contrast doesn't need to be there to make it work.
Carell plays the character so stupid because he's a coward. Just like his character on the office, he has to be liked. The David Brent character was total slime. Gervais was willing to be hated, something Steve clearly won't do. Every other episode, Pam and Jim cheer Michael up after he's horribly screwed everything up or embarrassed himself and basically done everything but make poo-poo in his pants (I'm sure that's coming), reminding us that he really means well and just wants to be liked, but he's just retarded.

I was anxious to see if this season they realized that element was hurting the show, and they'd make Michael a little smarter or if they'd embrace it, because it's soooo hilarious.

They grabbed onto it like a post-beating teddy bear hug. He's dumber than ever. It's too bad that Steve Carell is scared to be hated, because I hate him for it.

On the flip side, there's SUNNY.

Sunny is certainly a Seinfeld clone. It's terrible people doing terrible things. They're totally unafraid of being hated and playing it to the hilt. None of the characters could be real but they've created a heightened world...everyone else is a cartoon as well.

While Sunny doesn't have any internal tone conflicts, I occasionally feel like I'm watching a bunch of people act as over the top as possible. It soon passes, cause frankly I find the show funny as crap.

I don't have any sort of zinger ending.

What happened to this stuff?

2007-09-17T09:19:00.000-07:00

I think if you told me anywhere from age 5 or 6 'till now that there's a hot chick with a rocket pack shooting a two-headed dinosaur with a laser rifle, I would say where -exactly- do I have to go to see this?

While looking for some good 30's and 40's rocket ships, I discovered the world of pulp space comics. I guess I had seen them before but not taken in the complete ball-out kickassery of the covers. Honestly, I challenge anyone to find another picture of a hot babe pistol whipping the flying alligator monster that's trying to eat her.
Planet Comics in particular knew how to do it up. In short, today's sci-fi has zero imagination compared to then. Granted, there's a running theme of shooting dinosaur-type monsters in the face with a blaster, but is that really a bat theme to have?

I would say in all my research, these two scientific facts are my favorite;

1) If you ever get attacked by pack of werewolves (or man-faced wolves), punching them right in the puss is very effective.

2) If you read comic books anytime from 1940 until about the mid-fifties, you have a bondage fetish.

Two men enter, one man leaves....

2007-08-25T09:41:00.000-07:00

I already knew that Vladimir Putin was a black belt in Judo and practiced Sambo. It turns out, he's a grand master or something in Sambo.

What I didn't know, what this.

Are you kidding me? He's a 54-year old politician for crap's sake, not a mature male model! Staying in -presentable- shape is understandable. I'm a pretty unappealing wad of goo right now, so I get it. But Putin looks like he's getting ready to fight Randy Couture or maybe a small bear (BTW, for the uninitiated and the ladies, Randy is 44 years old). 44 years old and it looks like you could wash your sheets on his stomach. If this is starting to sound like I'm a little gay for Randy, I may remind my good readers of my love of boobies. But if I had to choose a guy...

My main point is this; I'm really glad global politics and international disputes are not determined by single combat. I'm relatively sure that Putin could whup Bush, Brown, Ahmadinejad and Calderon all while stepping on Sarkozy's neck.

Granted, Ahmadinejad would explode halfway into the match, killing them all but it would be impressive until then.

Casting Hours

2007-08-22T10:10:00.000-07:00

I have been working 12 hour days more often on 1 VS 100, so I haven't blogged lately. Even though we only have 2 weeks left, they moved our offices from the Culver Studios to the Sony lot. At first I was pissed, because the Sony lot is huge and it's a pain to get around unless you have a golf cart.

Now it's sorta cool because they're shooting a -lot- of crap there. I don't know what exactly besides DON'T MESS WITH THE ZOHAN, an Adam Sandler movie co-written by Robert Smigel (so it should actually be funny).

I will be at Dragoncon in Atlanta from August 31st until Labor Day. Then I'll be back in Dayton for about 10 days. All and any Dayton people (and my Atlanta peep!) should call me after labor day. The 13s have agreed to help me throw a party at their place, more details to follow.

I'm a bubble, Goodbyyyyyyye!

Next Season; Sinestro AND Mole-Man!

2007-08-05T08:46:00.000-07:00

I never watched 24. While I heard the first season was really good, I watched an episode. The -entire- episode was like that one scene (which exists in good and bad movies) where a guy in a busy room with lots of computers tells 14 people 14 different orders to get him a certain piece of information YESTERDAY!!
He needs it fast, fast, fast. He needs the best men on the job. Pull Ace Armstrong off that mission in Singapore, we need him on this now. Also, the five smartest human beings on the planet are all in the room and they are ALL scared of who they're up against...the smartest, most cleverest, awesomest brilliant evil genius the world has ever known!!!

Then, there was this. Jack is supposed to be the one-man, gritty American James Bond of a counter-terrorist unit. So naturally the villains in season 1 are from the Balkans. I don't know who hates us more, the Albanians or the Greeks. But Season one has been made before 9/11 happened, right? So certainly in the second season...
Muslims backed by whitey and the corporations. God knows the corporations want nothing more than to blow up customers and cause chaos and terror which are always great for the economy. I guess not a lot of television writers are former corporate CEOs, so how could they possibly know want they want, right?

The third season people were still telling me to watch the show, it's so great. The problem was, I still thought that it was a cartoon on the page just like James Bond, but unlike Bond, there's not an ounce of cheekiness. As a matter of fact, it takes itself dead-Goddamn seriously.

So I gave the show another go. I watched another episode in Season 3. Bad guys? A South American drug cartel and a British dude who's seriously going to fuck America up!!!! I don't know why they didn't just have a white cat on his lap and a rocket-chair, I mean why not?

I never took another glance back at the show because, come on.

This season Jack will be battling Global Warming. The show isn't just going green, it's being incorporated into the plot. It wasn't enough that we pretended countries and ethnicities that are friendly to neutral towards the US are bent on our destruction (but I'm sure they appreciated the thought) we are now just fighting the wind, the sun and the rain.

I think if Jack gets into a bind this season he has 3 choices for help. He can;

1) Blow a magic horn as loud as he can and Aslan will show up and eat the Armenians illegally shipping hairspray to Indians or some shit.

2) Use the glasses from his utility belt that allow him to see the largest producer of greenhouse gases so he can arrest China (thats a lot of handcuffs).

3) Toss a red and white ball at the Lichtensteinian hairdresser that's poisoning the LA water supply with fresh, clean water. I choose you, Pikkachu!!!

Celebs and Such

2007-07-26T22:26:00.000-07:00

I meant to blog about this a week ago but I guess I just don't love you enough to be on time. I keed, I keed. My new job keeps me for 10 and 12 hour days already, but I LOVE the work. It's very fun. More on that later.

I took my friend Eric, (who's crashing at my place until he gets his house rented and his roommates into the state) and Jami to Palms Thai a little over a week ago. It's a Thai place that has a Taiwanese Elvis impersonator who performs at dinner time and long community tables where you sit right next to the party next to you.

Right next to us that evening was this gentleman, who was in THE SHIELD for the first four seasons. I didn't bother him at dinner (what the hell would I say?) but on the way out I gave him a little salute and nod which he smiled widely at and seemed to understand that I was a fan of the show and waved goodbye. I didn't think too much of it because it's par for the course here. If you know your B-level celebs and character actors, you'd probably see somebody every day if you go out.

Just over the weekend I saw LA VIE EN ROSE, which pleasantly surprised me. My bread and butter movies are Kung-Fu, zombies, gladiators, heist movies and typical armchair tough-guy nerd stuff. I'd like to think it's rare for a guy that watches a lot of this would admit he really liked a biopic about France's most beloved ennui-filled songbird, which I really did.

At any rate, when we were leaving the Arclight, we saw this guy. In a span of about four days, I saw two of the main characters from the same gritty, FX cop show. I expect to see Michael Chiklis picking out grapefruit at Ralph's any day now.

Also, I saw Britney Spears on our floor on the Sony lot. I realize she's a much bigger star than these guys, but she's so remarkably uninteresting (other than being crazy lately) I don't have much to say about seeing her. She looks -exactly- like she does in tabloids and on TV. She had a gaggle of handlers, assistants, make-up and other people around her. I'd say it takes about 5.5 human beings to manage 1 Pepsi product of a human being.

Birthday Music

2007-07-18T12:04:00.000-07:00

Monday was my birthday. I chose live music over comedy for the evening and am I glad I did.

While the headlining band was fine, I was impressed with the opening band and LOVED the second band.

Grand Ole Party is a three-piece band, which I have a history of liking; Violent Femmes, Primus, Nirvana, and The Yeah Yeah Yeahs just off the top of my head.

The female lead-singing drummer of Grand Old Party is all moxie. Whoever invented that word had her in mind when they coined it. In a way it's a shame she's bound to the drum kit, because I'd love to see what she'd do for stage performance while she sings. I bet she dances like a pixie.

They share something with one of my all-time favorite live bands, The Make-Up in that their live show blows their CD out of the water.

In other news, I got a new job today. Monday I start as a casting associate on 1 vs 100. I'm willing to bet I'll be the only person on IMDB that was a contestant that went on to get a job on the show.

Trying to Wear the Old Man Out.

2007-07-08T13:05:00.000-07:00

AKA: Bob's cubicle scam.

First of all, I should say it's unfair to call my cousin Bob's sale of some office cubes a "scam", but it sounds good.

About seven years ago my cousin Bob found out about a whole office building in Dayton that was closing and they were selling off all their furnishings cheap. With some research, he quickly found somebody in Indianapolis that needed as many office cube walls as they could buy. If I remember correctly, Bob purchased 140 sets of cube walls for around 25 dollars a set. The buyer in Indianapolis was paying $90 a set. Even after you rent a truck and pay your poor cousin and brother-in-law $10 an hour to haul cubes, that's about 8 grand profit.

My dad (Ed) told Bob that he would help because there was no way we were going to get all the cubes loaded up, driven to Indy and unloaded in one day with just 5 guys. Ed counts as about 3 or 4 regular laborers, so we were good.

I rode with Bob early in the morning to pick up the rental truck. He told me he was going to try to wear Ed out. Bob was about 34 or so at the time and my dad was 60. I should note that Bob is a stickler for his health and is a fit and strong fella. My family has worked on rental properties, cars and other projects together in the past and my dad's endurance is legendary. Granted, my family drinks more beer in the first day of a project than said project warrants, but by any measure, he has John Henry-like stamina. Bob said he was going to exhaust the old man, he knew this would be the job to do it. I was sworn to secrecy.

It took us about 10 hours or so to disassemble and load all the cubes into the truck. We had a couple hand carts, but no forklift or anything like that. I want to say there were five or six of us for the first part of the job. A couple of us had to drop out for work and other reasons, which left three people to drive to Indy and unload the cubes.

We had started the whole project about 7 in the morning on a Sunday. I found out they got back with the empty truck about 3:30 in the morning. I waited until I thought Bob would be up and gave him a call to see what happened.

Me: So what happened? Did you wear him out?

Bob: (laughs) Not exactly.

Me: Soo.....

Bob: My buddy got in the back of the truck to rest around midnight and fell asleep. I managed to stay awake until we'd unloaded everything, but I could barely keep my eyes open. Ed had to drive the truck back and I fell asleep 15 minutes into the ride home.

Me: That's about right.

Bob: He's not human.

All the difference in the world....

2007-06-30T13:06:00.000-07:00

Partially motivated by finally being back at kickboxing, and possibly due to The Bouncer posting something like this, I bring you "people can't fight".

With unlimited wind, I'd put even money on the boxer being able to do that to those four guys all day long.

Back to Kickboxing

2007-06-29T16:05:00.000-07:00

After several years away from kickboxing, I'm finally able to go again. Today was my third day this week.

I would have gone yesterday but my legs hurt so bad from the first two days, I could barely walk.

Who in LA am I taking Muay Thai kickboxing from, you ask?

Paco from Bloodsport.

The jig is up!

2007-06-28T15:20:00.000-07:00

Well, the twist to Big Brother season 8 has been revealed a few days before the first episode.

Here is a brief article in Variety with pictures of the cast members. I'm directly responsible for one of the cast members, who in my opinion, is one of the hottest girls to ever be on reality television.

Any guesses on who I put in the house?

You can't move a post up?

2007-06-28T11:33:00.001-07:00

If you start a post then finish it after you've written a new one, it apparently goes behind the other one.

Here is the Snake Story.

Or you can just scroll down.

I quite literally Lol.

2007-06-27T09:56:00.000-07:00

This is the most astoundingly, asstastically, balls-out narcissistic craziness I've heard in a long time.

I'm sure a documentary praising the merits of Cuba's health care system over that of the US was the FIRST thing Apple was worried about when deciding when to release the Iphone.

The one thing I will credit Michael Moore for is being a world-class rabble rouser. He's turned the far left into a giant marketing machine with all energies directed towards making him rich. One could argue he's simply sticking his sweaty meathooks into the Iphone because it's got the larger spotlight for the time being. This is brilliant free marketing, and it will get real press as sure as I'm bitching about it now.

The only thing is, I'd bet the farm, my eye teeth and dollars to donuts that Moore really believes this; “I don’t see how Steve Jobs can call himself a ‘liberal’ and then try to silence my film,” said Moore. “Americans should be learning about our corrupt healthcare system on Friday, but instead they’re going to be lining up for a silly $600 dollar gadget.”

Translation; People are giving their money to Apple when they're supposed to be giving it to me.

NEXT: THE SNAKE STORY!

The Snake Story

2007-06-27T09:36:00.000-07:00

When I was about 8 years old, my family went on a double vacation with my dad's good friend John and his family. There were seven of us staying at a lake house somewhere in Florida, I don't recall where exactly.

We went fishing and boating in the lake but drove to the beach to go swimming. Our house was directly in front of the dock that served 4 or 5 different houses. It was quite long since the lake was so shallow and had a big lounge area at the end with tables and such. We must've been there during an off season because I don't remember seeing anybody else around or any boats at the dock.

The dock started all the way back at the driveway in between two of the houses. There was a four or five foot drop from the grassy yard to a small sandy area that only went for about 8 or 10 feet before you were in water. So the dock was elevated above the sandy area by five feet or so. There was a little two-person rowboat that I was allowed to take out on the water by myself, as long as it was within yelling distance of our dock. I took it out every day because I couldn't believe I was allowed to do it.

One day all the parents are out on the lounge part of the dock. It's almost dinner time and they're laying out and grilling. I was going to take the boat out and have my burger handed to me at the end of the dock, because how awesome is it to have your hamburger in a little rowboat? Seriously, who does that?!!

I started to push the boat from the sand into the water and I heard something like air escaping a tire. I stopped because I thought the boat had caught something like a tire or hose. Out from beneath the boat slithered a water moccasin.* I totally froze in my tracks, scared out of my 8-year old mind. The snake coiled in a circle about three feet in front of me and had it's head raised. It seemed pissed or scared, but I promise you I was more scared. I was 8 and the snake was longer than I was tall.
As it happened, my mom was walking back from the lounge area right after this happened. She was about halfway down the dock and could see what was going on. Mom (26 at the time) was evidently as scared as I was and only managed to scream "snake" with panic in her voice.

By her account, she was still turning around to yell snake a second time to my stepdad, Ed (43 at the time) when she realized he had just sprinted past her on the dock. Before anyone else really knew what was going on, Ed had ran the length of the dock and jumped off onto the beach. In mid-jump, he grabbed an oar that was resting against one of the pilings and severed the snake's head with the paddle's edge as he landed.

I shit you not.

*There was a snake book in the house and the snake was certainly venomous. There was only debate over whether the cottonmouth and the water moccasin were the same snake or not.

So that's the Snake Story.

Next, Bob's Cubicle Scam AKA Trying to wear the old man out.

Only in America

2007-06-24T10:00:00.000-07:00

This speaks volumes.

While I've always been "slightly annoyed" or "irritated" by people wearing Mao or Che shirts, I didn't even consider that those shirts exist in countries where citizens remember relatives dying at the hands of communists.

I'm gonna go hand out in Poland with my awesome new Hitler shirt!!

Besides, you know what a cautious fellow I am.

2007-06-22T10:38:00.000-07:00

I admit with no shame that this gave me a bit of a semi.

While I'm very excited about the prospect of a new INDIANA JONES movie, the obvious and disastrous results of other sequels makes me nervous.

Obviously, a big problem is having a 65-year old hero. You can't have him outrunning natives and fighting multiple Nazis while hanging off a truck. (my God that's a good movie.)

The fights have to be much more about being clever than tough. Lots of dropping the chandelier on the bad guys' heads and the like. Fortunately, Indy has always been about failing spectacularly. His fights rarely, if ever result in him getting the idol, saving Marion, or not getting tied up and saved quite literally by Deus Ex Machina.

However, that's not to say that old guys can't be a badass for a long, long time. In honor of that, I'm going to write down the best Ed* stories over the next couple days. A couple of you have heard them a million times, so bear with me.

*My stepdad.

That was one in a million kid.

2007-06-16T10:48:00.000-07:00

As I was on my home from work last week I took the Highland exit into Hollywood. I was already on the exit when I noticed it was -totally- backed up.

Fuck.

There was a concert at the Hollywood Bowl, which means I was going to be in traffic for about 45 minutes to get past the next 3/4 of a mile. While mad for a second or two, I got over it. There was nothing I could do and it was my own fault for not checking the traffic before I left work. So I sat, and I waited.

about 30 minutes later, I had made it through. It was actually refreshing for the car to go over 5 MPH for a couple seconds. But then...

About five or six cars ahead of me there was a car just sitting in the right-hand lane. There was a small, dirt parking lot to our right and it was full. The car up ahead had tried to pull in an the parking lot attendant had evidently stopped him. Rather than back up and drive past like any normal human being would do, he sat there. In the road.

There wasn't a shoulder to pull onto, there wasn't any room for cars to get past him, yet he just sat there. It dawned on me after about 5-8 seconds that the bastard was going to wait for a car to leave that dirt lot...while forty or fifty cars have piled up behind him.
The traffic behind me in my lane went as far as I could see, back past the last intersection, which was now also blocked because too many cars thought they should have been able to make it through the light but couldn't because this guy was just fucking sitting in the middle of the road.

In LA traffic, I've picked up the habit of leaving several feet between me and the car in front of me in the event of a rear-ending, or the chance to safely pull into the other lane to go around the inevitable grabastically selfish drivers in LA that block lanes...like this event.

This offense, however, was the most blatantly selfish and "fuck you, rest of traffic" move I've ever seen here. Everyone sat there paralyzed for about 20 seconds in disbelief. Horns were expressing every one's discontent.

Because of the curve of the road and my few feet of free space, I was able to pull into the left lane and pass the mess. I had a half-empty can of diet coke which I decided the entirety of traffic would appreciate on the guy's roof or hood more than in my belly. So right when I was about to pass the offending car I hurled the can out the drivers-side window with sort of a grenade-lobbing arc throw you'd have to do to throw something over your own car from the drivers side.

I was expecting a nice satisfying smack of aluminum and Splenda-infused sweetness hitting the hood or maybe even windshield of the guy's car. No such noise. I looked at his car -just- in time to see the whole can disappear right into the driver's side window and the driver jump with surprise.

Holy assclowns.

I couldn't believe my luck. The clouds parted and the Angels sang as my diet coke arrow stuck true in the heart of the Giant...the Giant Traffic Asshole.

The car was quickly in my rear-view mirror and I couldn't see the extent of the soda carnage. I'll never know if it hit the steering wheel and a fountain of Coke exploded in carbonated retribution like the Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch.

I can only assume that anyone that saw that event not only thinks I'm some sort of crack shot, they also hail me as a hero.

Luckiest. Throw. Ever.

Real Quick

2007-06-06T08:29:00.000-07:00

I'm working later and later the last few weeks of my job. All Hell broke out this week, and we're having to deal with it. All will be clear the first week of July.

At any rate, I just wanted to ask about something. While I'm pretty solidly in the McCain camp despite changes in some of his positions over the last few years, I decided I should see what the Democratic candidates are about besides the two rock stars, Clinton and Obama.

There were no real surprises with Biden, Dodd or the guys I've never heard of before.

What sorta shocked me was the platform of Dennis Kucinich. Now I knew he was -way- left. Left field left. I didn't know he was for completely government-run universal health care, a total ban on handguns, and open to -nothing- but diplomatic solutions with Iran.

Certainly, McCain has some ideas that very unpopular with his base, yet his strong pimp hand with international policy -despite coming off a disastrous Republican administration in that regard- is REALLY distasteful to his critics. Nevertheless, he plays the middle ground on a few things because, well, that's politics...and he wants to win.

I have a really, really hard time believing that with total universal health care and a complete ban on handguns, Dennis expects to get the job. If anything, I have to admire the asstastically crazy ballsitude it takes to really say the radical crap he believes in.

On the other hand, I feel sorry for his constituency. They're backing a dude who must know this approach will never fly, not how he's couching it.

This post was written in 6 minutes before work. I should elaborate, but I think you get the gist.

So, does he -really- think he can get crowned prom king with this, or does he just want to be at the party?

We had no idea! It was all hidden!!

2007-05-24T23:51:00.000-07:00

This film is from the 60's.

The guy that founded Truth.com will hopefully get anally raped by a smoking demon made of money for all eternity...

But when you back away, it's a big mess

2007-05-23T23:48:00.000-07:00

Lost is like a reverse Monet.

Monet is the impressionist, right? So the old saying (or some saying, I don't really know much about painters) is that far away it looks great, but when you get up close, it's a big mess.

LOST is really quite good at short scenes. They're very dramatic. There are enough good actors in the show to make scenes really sizzle. The editing is good, and the style helps a lot. Honestly, there are some days when they lean on style like an old man leans on the railing in the subway.

But what it's terrible, no....what it's aggressively retarded about, is the big picture.

If you even examine three or four episodes in a row there are enough holes, logic gaps, leaps, and spastic reasoning on the part of the islanders one can only assume the "long arc" has been written by seventeen different people who all have a different (and stupid!) idea of what's going on.

The very clear and evident truth is, none of the writers know what's going on. It's fairly plain they have no idea what's going to happen from season to season, and I'm on the fence if they know what's going to happen three episodes out. I thought that was impossible in scripted TV with this sort of budget, but -something- is rotten in Denmark.

When you watch something like SEVEN, (where it's likely the writer came up with the awesome ending first and then figured out cool ways to get there) or better yet the masterfully crafted season arcs in THE WIRE, the short-term planning of LOST glares like the sun off Lock's head.

They really, really don't love you

2007-05-23T08:25:00.000-07:00

I have not made time to blog lately, even a little bit. Here's a quick work story.

Oh, work is going fine, I like it quite a bit even though it's long hours some days. There. Outoftheway.

So I'm casting a big honkin' reality show that's on a real network and everything. You know, one of the networks from back when there were only three.

I overheard this conversation the other day;
A casting producer is showing somebody else a picture of an applicant. A drop-dead gorgeous applicant.

Somebody Else: Hmmm. So, is she considered "hot" in that part of the country?

Casting Producer: Well, she's won some regional beauty contests.

SE: So you're telling me she'll play in Peoria.*

CP: She's from Illinois.

SE: I guess it's going to be a house full of fat thighs and big noses.

While in my office I hear the term "fly-over states" every other day. I've heard "those people" said of Midwesterners in a tone that would make the most hard-boiled Southern bigot blush.

This being the biggest show I've worked on to date, I keep my mouth shut and my eyes on my desk.

For people paying daily lip service to the temple of open-mindedness and hold prejudice right up there with murder and rape, they're pretty disdainful of anyone that lives east of Pomona until you hit the Holland Tunnel.

* I guess they really do still say that.

Have Fun....

2007-05-07T08:21:00.000-07:00

humming this all day. Possibly tomorrow. Until you take a drill to your temple.

Infectious.

Tagging

2007-05-06T23:30:00.000-07:00

There is a whole magazine dedicated to graffiti. I've flipped though it once or twice, but I can't recall the name of it.

what I found amazing is that 90% of the graffiti I've ever seen, and most of the art in the magazine, is of the exact same style. The stylized writing that I assume got big in the 70's (I don't know when it came about) looks the same anywhere I've ever lived (note, the caption of that picture in the source is "different styles of graffiti"...really?).

At this long-abandoned Mobile Station exists the funniest piece of graffiti I've ever seen.

I got nothin....

2007-05-05T17:56:00.000-07:00

I'd love to rant about Cinco de Mayo, but I'm too exhausted.

I asked five Mexicans near my office today (yeah, on Saturday) what Cinco de Mayo was all about. I knew it was something to do with a battle and that it's not really celebrated in Mexico...and that's it.

It turns out that's two more facts than five random Mexicans in Sherman Oaks knew about the holiday.

Well, to be fair, it's possible three of them knew more about it but only two of them spoke English.

Happy Cinco de Mayo everyone!

Get your yard tended to or your car parked in celebration!

Titty Justice

2007-04-26T09:07:00.000-07:00

This made me ball-ticklingly happy. (4.25.2007 story if newer one shows up).

I used to think Joe Francis was just a slimy douche. He tapes drunk girls in public flashing their boobies and makes many millions of dollars from it...slimy indeed.

It wasn't until around the time I read the article by Claire Hoffman that I realized he's a world-class shit bird.

I mean, even if I assume Hoffman had some sort of agenda before she wrote the article (and let's be fair, it's the LA Times), even if 20% of the article is true (and I believe much more of it than that), he deserves some serious prison ass-rape karma.

I know plenty of Club-goers that would drop Francis' name in order to get into VIP. It was something like this;

Me: Hi, are you interested in getting bottle service tonight?

RDB*: Naw bra, we just want to chill. Joe Francis is my man, I'll hook you up**. Can we just glide?

Me: You know Joe "Girls Gone Wild" Francis?

RDB: Yeah bra, can we get in?

Me: Well, usually it's about 50 bucks for three people to get in, so for you it's 100.

RDB: Naw man, that's fucked up! (walks away)

* A free coffee or drink to the first person that tells me what RDB stands for.

**I never really knew what I was going to get "hooked up" with. Was I going to get a pile of free pornography? A hat and t-shirt? A 19-year old girl doing a sad and reluctant lap dance for me?

Shotgun Post

2007-04-08T17:41:00.000-07:00

I haven't posted in a little while, mostly because of my new gig. It keeps me pretty busy through the week, which is when I usually post.

I celebrated a tiny bit this weekend with my wife and some other people marking my first free weekend in LA, as I've quit the club.

That's right, no more Saturday-night Douchebag conventions for me. I had a little bit of anxiety over quitting since that job saw me through a lot during my first year in LA. But I'm fairly confident that I'm not going to need it any more.

Yes, the money was really, really hard to walk away from. The club made it a little easier on me since they're re-doing the VIP section. The method by which I made 60-70% of my tips is getting taken over by the box office, so it was going to hit me and the other VIP host very hard.

So, with a much better TV credit under my belt, and having reached near exhaustion with the club people, we parted ways.

The celebration mostly consisted of fun juice, the UFC, and a viewing of GRINDHOUSE.

While I made a couple good predictions on close fights on Saturday, I was totally caught off guard by Koschecks's barely-win over Diego Sanchez and FLOORED by Serra's TKO win over GSP. This makes for a really interesting welterweight puzzle to be sorted out by Dana and the matchmakers.

I HOPE Koscheck's W won't be an issue. Diego didn't really participate in the fight, but neither did Koscheck. A single solid punch and one good takedown don't qualify as an asskicking. As the recipient of several, and deliverer of the occasional asskicking, I can tell you that was no asskicking.

And the final huzzah of the weekend was GRINDHOUSE. Long story short, I was surprised how much less I liked it than I anticipated. It seemed like an easy target to hit, yet Rodriguez missed even with of a non-stop shotgun approach and Tarantino was too self-indulgent. And this coming from a guy who likes Tarantino being indulgent.

This doesn't discourage me from high hopes for INGLORIOUS BASTARDS. We'll see.

A + B = Starbucks

2007-03-27T23:45:00.000-07:00

I started my new job on Tuesday. It's totally awesome, and it's for a very big show in comparison to what I've worked on in the past.

But what this entry is about, is location, location, location.

Six or seven months ago when I didn't even have my own place yet, I was driving someplace I hadn't been to before. I don't even remember where I was going. However, I knew that I could get Starbucks on the way there.

Why is that?

Easy. Because if you live in West Hollywood, Hollywood, or the surrounding area there is about a 98.7% chance that during any drive between point A and point B, you will pass a Starbucks.

I honestly put this into practice. I looked for a Starbucks on the way to anywhere. It stood up to multiple tests.

My NEW job is in Sherman Oaks, which is just inside the Valley. For the uninitiated, going to the Valley when you live in Hollywood is sort of a big deal.

Fortunately, I'm driving the opposite direction of traffic. Most people are driving from the Valley to Hollywood or downtown in the morning, and back at 6.

I assumed that there would be a Starbucks in the valley in between the exit and my office. As fate would have it, my office is only about 3 blocks from the exit...and no Starbucks.

Since there was so little traffic I got to work much faster than I estimated. I had about 25 minutes to spare to look for my coffee joint of choice.*

I chose the busiest looking cross-street and headed in a random direction.

Distance to the closest Starbucks; .3 miles.

*While I like Starbucks just fine, it's really my first choice because we have a stack of free drink coupons from when Jami worked at the Bucks of the Star.

Bold Performances about 80's Halflings

2007-03-23T19:06:00.000-07:00

Over the past two years, I've become quite fond of Dungeon Majesty.

Recently a friend of mine in LA and I talked about it. He didn't like it much because he didn't like the production values and thought it was a little hokey.

I told him to watch it with the assumption that the creators embrace, no...live for postmodern irony. They play it to the hilt, and to the death like Andy Kaufman would have.

The newest video by DM is a partnership with a woman named Leslie Hall.

If there were any doubt about the tone that DM embraces...this latest piece pretty much lets it all hang out.

The Stuff of Legend and Ho Hatin'

2007-03-18T12:47:00.000-07:00

So I like fighting...yadda, yadda, yadda. Most of my readers are familiar with MMA.

For the one or two readers who've sparred, fought, or grappled, you know how difficult it is to "sink" a submission quickly. This video is of the "grand master" of Brazilian jiu jitsu, Royce Gracie taking well over two minutes attempting to set up a triangle choke and never getting it (he switches to an armbar).

This is a moderately ranked Pride fighter Ryo Chonan executing the fastest, most cinematic ankle lock I've ever seen in my life. Not only is it freaky fast, it's also applied to the current middleweight Champion of the World of the UFC.

This is a relatively old fight, but it's like something out of a kung-fu movie.

In other news, I officially have zero patience for the women of Los Angeles that frequent my club. When they walk up to me, I can predict 80-90% of the time if they're just going to ask where the bathroom is (which they walked past to get to me, by the way) or if they want a favor.

I started a new policy last night. When this girl walks up to my rope at the VIP (or one of her 40,000 twins)*, I start the conversation by telling them what I'm not going to do for them. They say "But you don't even know what I'm going to say!", but really, really indignant and bitchy. I then say "you just want to come into VIP for a minute to look for a friend, right?" Now that their script has been scrubbed, they don't know what to say.

They were planning on rubbing up against me, fluttering their eyelashes, and bounce on into VIP to do the same thing to some douche bag for a free drink. However, if they stand at my rope for about 3.6 seconds, that same douche bag will come shove money in my hand to let the girl in, so he can give her a drink and then not have sex with her. Or maybe they do, I don't really know or care.

By contrast, this girl is nice as pie. She self-made and actually, you know, does stuff. She doesn't leech off other people's status at a nightclub or expect free crap because she's hot.

*It actually took me a little while to find the exact right type of women. They have to look really trashy and look like they've put a lot of effort into being "hot" and yet still look like there's an outside chance they're a dude.
I think it's because the trannies out here get so much platic surgery, as do aging club whores. The result is the same facial structure, which creeps me the hell out.

300 is the new black

2007-03-10T11:29:00.000-08:00

I haven't seen 300 yet. I'm going with a group of people tomorrow.

In the past couple year, perhaps two, I've noticed that reviewing films has become a wildly popular format for voicing one's political convictions in place of quality and aesthetic evaluation.

God knows it's more important to hate George W. Bush than murderous, clitorectomy-loving fanatics that want to blow you up. I mean clearly making poor decisions in good faith and being a bad leader is worse than wanting to kill everyone that's not like you. We can all agree on that.

But that doesn't make SLITHER the best horror movie ever.
I never wrote about this, but I was rather disturbed by SLITHER. It was perfectly cute, well-done, competent horror/comedy.
Oh, and it's hatred and contempt for anything Midwestern was beyond obvious. In short, everybody good had embraced "enlightened" concepts like vegetarianism or mouthing off to your dumb hick parents (really). The Indiana-born and raised sheriff (who's the hero) naturally has a distaste for hunting. 'Cause you know... sheriffs in small Midwestern towns are usually members of PETA.

But it's venomous bile towards the flyover states made it FAR more popular than it would have otherwise been received. There's no way to prove this but I'd bet the farm on it.

Similarly, SYRIANA, GOOD NIGHT AND GOOD LUCK, THE INCONVENIENT TRUTH, and anything else that gets all heads knowingly nodding in agreement get a little extra helping in the praise department.

Which brings me to 300. I'm getting the feeling, based on a couple of the fairer-minded sounding reviews, that it's not going to be as good as I'd hoped. But that doesn't forgive the pile of reviews that seem to hate the movie for anything other than political reasons. Some reviewers come out and say so. That's not a useful review, but at least it's honest. Lots of others make cowardly sideways comments about righteous aggressiveness and using a sword as diplomacy.

If your primary goal in life is to make a statement about what the US should and shouldn't be doing in this world, run for fucking congress. Or work for Moveon.org or whatever the hell else gay crap you want to do. But don't muck up my goddamned rottentomatoes system with your whiny horseshit. Review the fucking movie. Is it good? Is it derivative? Does the acting suck? These are all fair and pertinent questions.

Like I said, I saw some negative reviews that stayed on topic. This moviemay be overwrought, have poor character development, and try to overcompensate with style what it lacks in depth. Whatever, that's all fair.

But if the movie shits on things my family likes to do back home and that just tickles your balls blue, fuck you. Tell me if the movie's any good. That's your job, asshole.

Observations from Hip Hop Night

2007-03-09T11:11:00.000-08:00

Every once in a while, I have to work a Thursday for my weekend gig. Last night was a Hip Hop event called "Unity".

There were asian, mexican, white, and black rappers.* The crowd was a little bit thug and I knew nobody had any money.
So I wasn't going to make any money.

The bottle service area had been converted to a VIP for the evening. So basically the servers, the bartenders, myself and anyone else at the club in a service capacity were screwed. The security, I actually wagered, were going to earn their money that night.

Security #1: Hmmm. This thing's called "Unity". Wonder what that's about.

Security #2: It's 'cause they've got chink and beaner rappers. **

Me: So who's taking odds that when a fight breaks out, it's interracial.

Security #2: (laughs) yo, that's fucked up!

Security #1: Naw. They wouldn't be that stupid....

Me: Are you twenty dollars confident in this group of mouth-breathers to keep their hands off one another?

Security #2: Hellllll, naw. I wouldn't take that. Uh-uh. These niggas look wild. ***

Security #1: Make it ten, and I'll take it. There's not a lot of girls here. There probably won't be a fight.

Me: Ten it is. (we shake hands)

Security #1 is not a dumb guy, nor inexperienced in the club industry. How many wimens is in da club is obviously a huge factor in odds of a fight breaking out. The only thing I think he may be is optimistic. Granted, I was gambling on the interracial thing, but this crowd was -without a doubt- going to fight.

I won the bet.

I couldn't see most of the action, as it was way up by the stage, but security #1 ran out to the south alley to see one guy getting kicked out, and I looked at the north alley to see the other guy.

We got back to my spot.

Me: OK, on three, we both say the race of the guy that got booted.

Securit #1: OK

Me: One, two, three...

Me: White. Security #1: Black.

Security #1: Shit.

I should say I don't think the fight was racially motivated at all. I honestly believe the premise that all these people have agreed upon the same cultural and social identifiers. They're all "hip hop".

This hip hop crowd was a bunch of thugs, and fighting is what thugs do. I was just gambling on the poetry of the title "Unity".

On a final note, I've noticed that hip hop MC's only want people to make some noise if it's the "mother fucking" variety.

If you're going to make any other kind of noise, I don't think they want to hear it.

*You'll never guess who the best act was...

** Yes, he really said this.

***Yes, he actually said this as well.

Other People's Funnies, Part III (I think)

2007-03-06T15:58:00.000-08:00

I try to not just link to other people's stuff as content, but I wanted to make sure all of my six or seven regulars read this.

Also, t-shirt printing in LA is effing expensive.

True Stories of The Glizty VIP

2007-03-02T12:50:00.000-08:00

Last night, there was an event at the club. It's unusual for Thursdays, but it does happen once in a while. It's usually an Israeli event.

It's an odd mix of traditional Israeli music, techno, a live drummer and live singer.

When I first started at this club, I really hated all the douche bags equally. Armenians, Israeli, Persians...all of 'em.

Long story short, I get along with the Israelis much better these days. Turns out they respect you when you don't back down from their macho crap. I know quite a few of them now. I still hate their music and recreational activities, but they're OK. I even know a couple phrases in Hebrew, although I really only need one; raga tov (I'm not sure of the phonetic spelling, but it's something like that.)

It means "calm". If you say it twice, it's the equivalent of "heyheyhey! Everybody chill".

At any rate, there was a party last night. Some chick sang. She was like the full Hebrew Celine Dion, mixed with techno music...yes, welcome to ear hell.

By 1:30 I still only had three tables, which is terrible even for a slow night. Nevertheless, one group was making quite a go of tearing it up. They were dancing on our leather seats, clapping loudly, spilling drinks, dancing in the VIP, and generally being rowdy. They had taken very good care of me all night, so the only thing I stopped was the dancing on the seats.

One guy was clearly trying to get with any of a number of girls at the table. He was dancing on, grabbing, or trying to kiss at least three or four different girls. And he was about four different kinds of drunk.

He finally convinced one of the girls to make out with him. I had -just- looked at my phone to check the time, and glanced into VIP to see how the tables were doing on their bottles (they had 25 minutes to finish them before I pulled them off the tables).

So Don Juan was making out with an unsuspecting girl, and he stops. He looks at her funny for about 1.5 seconds...and pukes all over her. It was on her neck, her chest, arms, and our floor.

It was the most powerful combination of disgust and comedy I've ever experienced. I couldn't stop laughing to radio for a barback* to come clean it up.

The girl rushed to the bathroom. Calling her "a little freaked" would be like calling Robert "sorta smart". It doesn't adequately cover the situation.

*The 5'2" mustachioed barback took one look at the mess and, -I swear to God- his face said "I've gotta fuckin learn English".

Yeah...you like that M41 DK-1 Light Tank, don't you baby?

2007-02-27T16:59:00.000-08:00

I'm working on a couple t-shirts for my company's first client. I needed a couple different rocket or tank images for one of the pictures.

Now, I know the Internet is huge. It's mind-bogglingly gi-mongous. But sometimes I'm still surprised by the detail and variety of pictures you can find.

There are pages and pages of light tanks, heavy tanks, anti-personnel weapons, laser-guided missile systems, amphibious vehicles, field artillery and all sorts of filty, naughty, greased-up pieces of military equipment all laid out bare so you can see every nook and cranny.

I can't think of anything else that's on the world wide interweb in that variety and detail.

Clever Wire Pun and Arguing by authority

2007-02-16T11:31:00.000-08:00

So there are about a million and one variations on "All Wired Up" or "Bare Wire" that are each a little less clever than the last. So I gave up.

Secondly, season 4 of The Wire is back On Demand. It's so good, it can sweeten your coffee. The fourth season of The Wire is of such high quality, it can paint your car and steal your girlfriend.

So, I like it.

I also like Jonah Goldberg. I think this article made my day. While I'm unconvinced that global warming is largely the fault of man, I don't know that it isn't. I'm no scientist...but my dad is.

OK, ok. I give you, environmental and climate research is well outside his area of expertise.

But he's very familiar with activist groups, the media, politicians, and just about everyone else under the sun being worried about what he's doing in that lab...because they didn't understand it.

Lots of scientists on both sides have all sorts of math and charts that I don't understand claiming we are, or aren't the primary blame for the warming. Fine.
I asked my dad his opinion, and he essentially agrees with Goldberg, but because he says it happens all the time.

Basically, while we've learned a lot about how our bodies, disease, the world, matter, you name it, all function, we create more new questions for every one we answer. In short, we're still learning new things in almost every field of science that exists.

Our love of science from the 50's came with plenty of cautionary tales from Hollywood. They reflected a healthy respect for what we didn't' yet know. However, they certainly weren't anti-progress.

One of the fastest tracks in the history of science is the creation of the atom bomb. It went from theory to exploding in basically a few years. But this isn't how things usually work. For the sake of argument, let's say every single claim, every boogieman attributed to global warming is true. We're still quite a few years from figuring out how to realistically and effectively fixing it.

I'll be very interested to see where we stand on global warming in 8-10 years. Will we be swimming in a giant pool of our own sweat with displaced polar bears? Maybe. Or maybe rain forests, the hole in the ozone, genetically-altered foods, a rogue asteroid, breast implants, alar, overpopulation, or Al Gore's adrenal gland will be the reason we're all going to die.

But I digress.

I really wanted to talk about people who are qualified to talk about x or y. I think people get very caught up in saying somebody is arguing by authority when they're really citing a credible source.

Also, I don't really see the big problem with arguing by authority. For example, if the topic of philosophy came up, I'd rather have the opinion of the vilified Kurt Mosser than that of, say, the guy trimming the hedges that doesn't speak English. This assumes, of course, that Robert isn't around. (Hahaa! Got you good Mosser!) ;)

Just as I'd rather have that guy's (translated) opinion of how to fix a leaf blower rather than Kurt's advice on the matter.

I remember being about 11 or 12 years old, and there was a person gathering petition signatures at the door. The complex where my dad works had just had a minor accident, the first in over 20 years. They vented some toxic gas into the air that shouldn't have been. The petition was in protest of the research done at the Mound.

My dad stood there listening to the guy's speech, thanked him but said that he couldn't sign.

I asked why that guy wanted to shut down where dad worked, he replied "because he failed science".

I should have stolen it.

2007-01-31T23:29:00.000-08:00

The light-up outlines of Ignignot caused quite a stir in Boston.

I saw one of these the other night (before the ruckus) in Hollywood, and the street was very busy. Nevertheless, I really wanted to steal it. I didn't, mostly because of the fear of getting caught. I'm sure the promotions company knew none of these things were going to last very long, and somebody else is just going to take it.

Within three hours of this story breaking, the first sign on Ebay was already up to $400.00.

As of this writing, it's at $616.00. I don't know what it would have gone for before this little misunderstanding in Boston, but now all bets are off. I think I would have put it at 3-4 hundred as a collectible before the bru-haha. Now? I really can't guess. It's like I'm looking at an ugly flower vase on Antique Roadshow. It could be worth $100 or $17,000...I have no idea.

Since I love this type of thing (and I do watch Antique Roadshow) I'll put out a guess...I'll say bidding tops out around $1,600 bucks...if it's the only one put up. If a second one goes up, I'll lower my prediction for the first one to $900.

Anybody else have a guess?

Nerd Cred On Display

2007-01-24T13:16:00.000-08:00

Some of you will remember this, others will poke me with giant nerd sticks for this.

At Gencon of 2000, I and some other people organized this "event".

I've submitted it to a website about Gencon history and I've been told already it will probably be in the book, 40 Years of Gencon History.

HUGE thanks to Keith A. for getting me all the photos. The documentation is 90% of the reason we'll be in the book.

Brilliant

2007-01-23T10:40:00.000-08:00

If you leave a bottle of olive oil RIGHT next to the Hazelnut coffee syrup, you're gonna have a bad time.

Especially when you just used the last bit of the good coffee to make that cup.

All in all, missing a cup of coffee isn't such a big deal. This guy isn't complaining, so I should probably keep my wussy mouth shut about my coffee.

I LOVE SCIENCE!!!

2007-01-16T14:14:00.000-08:00

Organic food my motherfucking ass.

Yin and Yang

2007-01-16T10:09:00.000-08:00

On Sunday Jami and I went to see PAN'S LABYRINTH at the Arclight. My only opinion of Guillermo del Toro up until this point was "eh". I hated the BLADE movies (I think he only did the second one) and thought HELLBOY was a C-, but not terrible. It's the absolute bottom mark of the "doesn't suck" on the Charles Moore Scale of Quality.

LABYRINTH was excellent. I enjoyed it; it was entertaining, it looked great and you cry at the end. I don't know how much the filmmakers were inspired by HEAVENLY CREATURES, but the influence is undeniable. It's not just the fully-involved fantasy world...it's a lot more. I'll let those of you who've seen both make up their own minds...and let Big call me a smarty-pants or whatever for even making the comparison.

So the same day that I watch this really well-made and sensitive movie, I see something with a polar opposite sensibility.

I was writing Sunday night and the TV was on for background noise. The new episode of "24" came on. I've never seen a single episode of 24, but I didn't want something on that would actually draw my attention away from writing, so it was perfect.

Three minutes into the show I was away from my computer, standing in front of the television giggling like a schoolgirl. The first 10 minutes of "24" was the most shamefully unabashed, head-explodingly hilarious political commentary/criticism I've ever seen. And I remember "Meet the Millers".

I was over it in about 5 or 6 minutes and went back to writing. I still giggled every now and then for the next hour. Basically, every word uttered in the White House was pure comedy gold.

The sensibility thing comes in here; While PAN'S is partially about Fascists and Communists fighting for control in Spain in 1944, the movie is not terribly concerned with making any obtuse or allegorical political points...even thought the movie is about clashing ideas, at least a little bit. It concerns itself with the silly notion of the story coming first. If crazy goes on sale, these guys wouldn't even have to show up.

In "24", a show ostensibly about a super spy/agent of some sort doing cool spy crap and saving the US, the creators decided to spend the opening five minutes basically calling the Bush Administration stupid. I'm not defending a lot of the choices made by Bush in the past couple years, but is the first few minutes of your lagging hit show the best place for that soapbox?

What about trying to make the viewer give half a shit?

I understand that this is the first season of "24" that uses Islamic terrorists as the bad guys instead of neo-Nazis, Basque Nationalists, the gingerbread man and the Creature from the Black Lagoon as the evil masterminds that want to blow up the west. Don't get me wrong, God knows the gingerbread man has killed thousands, but I think the fanatic Muslims get all the press just because they talk funny.

So maybe "24" was trying to cover their ass. They were starting out with "OK, we suck. We TOTALLY deserve the attack on the Embassy in Tanzania, the bombing of the USS Cole, the 93 attack on the World Trade Center, 911, and all the attacks on the west dating back to 1783. BUT you guys do keep trying to blow us up, so we're going to show you...is that OK?"

The writers and producers of 24 are monumental cowards. They're either deluded beyond all repair or intellectually dishonest to a fault.

If a super spy/secret agent is out there saving the world right now, we know what part of the world he's in and which bad guys he's killing.

The next season, I'm sure they'll reveal that the Islamists were really doing all this because they can't offord the cancer medication for thier sick mother.

I've been watching lots of westerns lately...

2006-12-30T13:38:00.000-08:00

And I totally want to rob a fucking stagecoach.

Also, if you haven't seen this, rent it.

The Comedic Stylings of Mrs. Yates

2006-12-29T10:34:00.000-08:00

So it's no secret that I'm a huge nerd.

Like most nerds, I like some collectibles, -I'll go so far as to say "toys"- that most 30-year old men don't have. I like how they look, they remind me of some of the best times I had with friends in college, and frankly I think I'll have at least a thumb in gaming for the rest of my life.

The other day I woke up right as my wife left for work. My morning ritual is; pee, make coffee, check email, read news, look for freelance jobs, work on t-shirts, write or webcomic for about 2-3 hours every morning.

Some of my miniatures are displayed on top of my computer desk. Some are there because they're too large for the box I have, or I just really like them. I'm sure I don't have to explain or justify the displaying of my nick-knacks.

This fine morning, I find that all my miniatures have gone gay;

They were so committed to their new lifestyle choice, they opened a club;

And my personal favorite;

So let this be a lesson to all other nerds with miniatures...if you don't keep an eye on them, they'll be singing "It's Raining Men" and marching down Santa Monica Blvd.

A Long Day With High Pay

2006-12-11T14:33:00.000-08:00

As several of you already know, I won some money on 1 VS 100.

My call time was 8am, so I knew that meant we might start taping by 10 or 11. There was a nice craft services spread, and people chit-chatted and talked about their "specialty" casting. My first episode will air on December 25th, and it's an X-mas themed episode, so people were cast accordingly. Since I won some money -just over $4,400- I don't want to get any more specific than that if, by some miracle, somebody from the show saw this blog.
My contract says if I give anything away publicly I could be sued for $1,000,000. I'm not worried about them suing me because that's sort of retarded. I AM concerned that they wouldn't give me my winnings.

Anyways, on with the show;

About 11:00 we (the 100 people in the mob) heard a lawyer from Standards and Practices give us a talk to help us not get tossed off the show for looking like we're cheating, or actually cheating.
By 11:30 we were lead into the studio to take our places on the giant stadium-style set that holds the mob. Somewhere in the studio there must also be racks of meat, as the studio was effing freezing. Also, if you've seen the show and think the people in the mob look like they're sitting, you're wrong. The podiums come up to low chest level on a 5'11" guy. There's a little half-seat that sticks out of the back of your nook, but there is a ledge that houses the lighting behind you and it's more uncomfortable to sit on the ledge for a few minutes than it is to just stand all day.

All day means different things to different contestants. 1 hour of this game show take about 4 hours to shoot. If you've seen the show, you know that as mob members get a question wrong, they're out of the game, but have to sit there the rest of the show. Those mob members are lead out of the studio at the end of the taping of that episode, and replacement mob members are lead in. 3 or 4 hours after THAT, we got our first break. It was about 6:00 or so.

We had about 25 minutes to sit down and eat a cold burrito from the craft services table. It was not a good burrito.

By 6:30 we were standing back on the set in our spots. Thank God too, because it was another 30 minutes or so before we were ready to shoot. Since there are so many "contestants" in the mob, they're treated like extras. But only when being treated like an extra is bad. If the treatment of an extra is good like guaranteed meals, breaks, and double-double overtime after 12 hours, then the contestants are considered "contestants".

During this segment, however it all became very worthwhile. I don't think I should discuss specific questions, contestants, or details, but in this segment of taping, I won the cashola.

What is probably safe to tell is the timing. See, the mob has 10 seconds to answer the question. The main contestant doesn't get all day, but they can deliberate for a good 90 seconds, I'd say.
I answered a question that was about a show I've watched for over 10 years, and it was a super-easy question for those that have seen the show. I punched in my answer, and then the woman started "talking it out"*.

She was convincing herself of the wrong answer. If she picked it, I knew I'd won pretty big (for my side of the game anyway). She punched in the wrong answer, and it was torture. See, she punches in, and now the show has to build the drama. The mob can't give away anything or it will screw up the taping. There was a good 2 minutes between her locking in her answer and the reveal of the right answer on the big screen. It was a long two minutes.

When the big board light up the correct answer, the mob went apeshit. It was awesome. 60 seconds later I felt like a piece of crap because the contestant was crying. I felt pretty bad for a little while. Now I just think she should watch more TV.

We stopped taping the last episode just after 11pm. There had been several batches of mob replacements throughout the day, but I didn't know just how many until I filled out my paperwork for my winnings.

Winning mob members were lead to a little area to fill out a W9 for the money. The woman in charge passed out the forms and the clipboards as she called out names. When she got to mine she said it, and then kept looking at the clipboard and flipping back and forth to another page behind it.

Woman: Um, you have a form here for the early show as well.

Me: OK.

Woman: You've been here since 8 am?

Me: Yeah.

She passed me the clipboard and called another producer on her walkie-talkie, and I heard my name. For a second, I thought I did something wrong and wasn't getting my money. I thought maybe I was supposed to fill something out earlier, or I was in an area I wasn't supposed to be in, or God knows what.

When I turned in my paperwork on the way out, a producer pulled me to the side. He told me they went though about 340 mob members that day, and that I was the only person from the first 100 that made it through the whole day. Evidentially, I'd answered over 20 questions right that day. He told me there was a possibility I could be called back someday for a "champions of the mob" episode or something like that at some point in the future.

I strongly suggest anybody try out for this show. Most of my friends are pretty pop-culture savvy. I'd say that about 75% of the questions are pop culture, 10% are math word problems, and maybe 15% are actual literate questions about history, geography or art.

So for about 15 hours of work, I pulled in $4,400. I thought this was really good, working out to be $293.00 an hour. Then I realized my uncle makes that every day.

Soon...soon shall the Kingdom of Yates rise...

The Hollywood Roller Coaster

2006-11-28T17:23:00.000-08:00

Today I found out that my production company can't afford to keep me on this month. They haven't been paid yet for one of their two shows, and the show I work on doesn't generate enough revenue to pay for production costs and three employees.

SO I have to wait and find out if they need me in January. The upside is that while they've laid off a total of 5 people in the past two weeks, the owner and the director of the show both told me that I was the first being re-hired. I should know something the last week of December.

HOPEFULLY, I'll make a little extra scratch on a game show. I tried out for a show a couple days before I started work. Today -the same day I got laid off- I got a call to be on the show on Monday the 4th. I'll be in the mob, not the "one", but I can still win money.

Obviously, I'll have a report one way or the other on Monday. I also promise a funny, or at least an attempted funny post soon.

Happy Thanksgiving and stuff...

2006-11-23T11:36:00.000-08:00

Many thanks to my friends that read this blog.

In your honor, I am going to eat like a freak today.

In other news, I saw the new James Bond last week. Bobbo gave it a super-quick review, and he's captured the essence basically.

Since I made a big honkin' prediction about the new Bond, I should rate my success.

The movie itself was satisfactory, maybe an "S+". The inevitable end to the romance was far too long in coming. I didn't know if she would be a liar, or killed but it was a little too clear that Bond had to have that "big one" in the beginning of his career which would ensure (and justify) his treatment of women over the next 40 years.

Frankly, I didn't give a crap. I think it would have been fine if Bond were simply cavalier about women because he could always die tomorrow. Or maybe he's simply a misogynist, or whatever reason you want to invent. I know they were trying to give Bond some depth and trying to make him more of a real person. The problem is, Bond is a super-hero without powers. He can out-fight, out-drive, out-shoot, out-think, and out-fuck all of us mortals, and look cool all the while. Sure, he should sweat from time to time, but you know he's going to get out of it.

Bond is the way he is with women because there' a part of every guy that wishes he could do everything that Bond can do. If Bond is the way he is with women because his wittle hewrt got bwoken once, he's kind of a pussy.

Many of the reviews praised the choice to make Bond more human. I think the wrong turn happened after Goldeneye was such a success. It was a pretty good movie, but it was almost a pure action film...and so that's the way they went for the next few times. Bond movies are PART action movie, but there is a lot to separate them from an Arnold flick.

I think the real triumph in CASINO ROYALE was making the movie about more than just crap blowing up. While lots of people came down on the poker scene being too long, I was glad there was some non-explosive competition between Bond and his villain.

In the other prediction, I think Craig is the best Bond since Connery. To be fair, everyone wants something a little different from their Bond. For my money thought, Craig is going to be able to give the most people the most satisfaction for their Bond buck.

A whole Month!!

2006-11-14T21:26:00.000-08:00

Well, it's been over a month since my last post. Quite a bit has happened. For starters, I have a new day job.

I'm an associate producer on a show called What it Takes. For all my crapping on celebs, and hating/being jealous of the cult of celebrity, my job is now to write and produce a half-hour show that is essentially a big, sloppy, wet knob job for a different celeb each week.

The other day, I poured over 10 different articles about Ben Affleck's past and career.

On the plus side, I have absolutely -no- feelings or creative ego over what I'm working on. It's actually quite liberating in a way, because I make any and all changes wanted by the network without blinking an eye.

The poor girl who's the senior producer is glad to have me on board (she's been producing the show by herself until now) and I really like the owners (Michael and Gui, a gay Egyptian/Armenian and Spaniard couple) the editors, my co-producers, the editors and even the production assistants. It's a Norman Rockwell painting of a place to work, but with lots of gay jokes and sexual harassment.

Today I field produced an interview with one of our "expert" journalists about Cameron Diaz. Field producing sounds awfully impressive, so let me spell it out for the uninitiated; I asked the questions we wrote in the office for the journalist, and wrote down the ending timecode for good takes. The shooter that accompanied me framed the shot, set up the lights, monitored the audio, mics the journalist and runs the camera.

It was exhausting.

Thursday I go to the Superman Returns DVD release party. I have to ask a few questions about "what surprises are on the DVD" and that sort of stuff for 25 minutes, then dig into the free buffet and get my free swag. I'm hoping for something made of Kryptonite.

I dig my new job.

Since it's been so long since I've posted, here's a double-subject. I wanted to blog about this months ago, but apparently not enough to actually do it.
I think Daniel Craig will be the best Bond since Connery. I know Gressis (and millions of others, to be fair) think Moore was the best Bond, and Remington Steel was excellent.
While I liked Moore fine, he was a -touch- too campy for my taste. Bond is campy, no doubt, but at the end of the day you have to believe he can really kick your ass. I don't think any of them have had that since Connery.

Jami and I saw LAYER CAKE when it came out, and we both really liked it. I said then, and I stand by the assertion that Daniel Craig looks quite a bit like Steve McQueen.

I've seen that written several places since he was announced as the new Bond, so I wish I'd written it down sooner, even though I'm sure thousands made the comparison.

I haven't really liked a Bond movie since GOLDENEYE, and I don't think there's been a great one since A VIEW TO A KILL (Moore's last one...right? It was that or OCTOPUSSY).

So I want to go on record and state I think Craig has the potential to bring something back to the Bond movies that I feel has been missing for a long time. Now, I know the writers did a couple of the more recent Bond movies, so that's a big hurdle.
The director helmed THE MASK OF ZORRO and GOLDENEYE, which is a plus, but he directed the new ZORRO movie as well, so who knows...

On a final note, I saw BORAT. Hee-larious. But, I don't know how he can do BRUNO, (my favorite Coen character) now that everyone's in on the joke.

Blogger Blahs

2006-10-13T12:47:00.000-07:00

Sorry I haven't posted in a while for the 5 or 6 of you that check in regularly. There have been a couple interesting things lately, but I honestly didn't want to blog about the same things over and over.

Some celebs were at the club this week. Some behaved perfectly fine, and were downright nice and (seemingly) normal. Other celeb's "peeps" were name-dropping asshats whom I wanted to slap. If anybody wants names, let me know in the comments and I'll be more specific.

The only thing that's SUPER cool are these two tidbits. My t-shirt partner and I are being "picked up" by Paizo publishing. Only a complete nerd would know who that is, and even then some of the nerds might need to be told.

At any rate, our t-shirts and our new hit item the dice purse will be available on the Paizo site in about a month.

The other item of interest was sent to me by my beautiful and clever wife.

It turns out that even small loans can help dirt poor people get out of poverty by their own hand, rather than being given money outright. This guy just got the Nobel Peace Prize for his creation of "microcredit" loans. I found it very encouraging and uplifting. It made me feel like a selfish piece of crap for my money worries and put things into perspective.

Oh, and he helped all those really poor people. I mean, he changed their lives for the better and has put into practice an ideology I admire and support, but come on...I have to figure out how this is about me.

This is Hollywood, Goddamnit.

Spray Paint, hangers, a mop and Goo Gone

2006-09-25T14:17:00.000-07:00

If you need to buy the four above-mentioned items in LA, Walmart is your best bet. Ralphs would have most of it, but they wouldn't have hangers, maybe the spraypaint.

I had no idea where Walmart was, so my wife googled it. Excited, she tells me it's on Crenshaw.

If you're as puzzled as I was as to why she was so stoked that we were going to south Crenshaw, Jami strongly recommends that you give a listen to Dr. Dre's The Chronic.

We knew we were in the right neighborhood when we passed two rim places, and a gold grill joint (we're both being fitted this weekend).

The Walmart was awesome. It had three levels and offered a wide variety of name-brand products such as Goo Gone, for substantially lower prices. I love Walmart*.

I was slightly surprised when we got to the hardware section. The spray paint was in a locked glass cabinet, like liquor or small electronics.

The large black lady that unlocked the cabinet for us was fantastic.

Her: What are you makin?

Jami: We're touching up a mannaquin that we're selling on Ebay.

Her: You go baby!

Jami: ...then we're gonna go tag some bridges.

Her: Ohhhh, that's right! (big laugh)

The other thing I noticed on our trip south...the gas difference. Gas in Hollywood is $2.99-$3.15 depending on where you go. I saw gas for $2.65 on south Crenshaw. I don't have a joke or anything here, that's just some damn cheap gas in these parts.

*This is troll bait. If you fired me an email telling me how terrible Walmart is, you're a raging toolbag. Being really good at inventory control isn't a crime. And if you want to cry about health insurance, do an ounce of fucking research first.

No beer and no TV make Homer something something

2006-09-19T13:18:00.000-07:00

No internet for almost three weeks. I'll be posting this weekend. All hell will break loose. Internet cafes in LA are WEIRD.

Utility Sink

2006-08-29T23:10:00.000-07:00

I went downstairs the other day to get my laundry out of the dryer.

Our laundry room has one of those large, plastic utility sinks that most apartment buildings have in the laundry room.

What most apartment buildings don't have however, is the maintenance man peeing into said utility sink.

I know they make that sink big for a lot of different jobs, but I'm certain that's not one of them.

"oh...sorry."
That's all he said. I didn't say anything and just got my laundry with my back to him so I could get out of there as fast as possible. I imagined his pee bouncing back out of the 18-inch deep sink, across the 15-foot room, and onto my freshly-dried laundry.

While I think that might be impossible, I'm no scientist. And since I couldn't be certain that his taco-flavored piss wasn't sprizting my GAP undies, I was pretty pissed myself.

I just gave him a dirty look that I hope said "this isn't a fucking ditch in Tijuana". In translation, it probably just came out "please piss right in the dryer".

The kicker? His kid was standing right there, learning how to do it up right.

Thirty years from now, his kid will be pissing in my kid's birdbath with a leafblower strapped to his back.

I've got this great idea...

2006-08-29T22:07:00.000-07:00

I've been putting off blogging about my day job. Perhaps it's because that has been the harbinger of unfortunate events in the past.

Since I'm getting more interesting things to do at my day job, and it looks like I have other things bubbling up anyways....here goes.

My boss is Italian. He has the slightest of accents. It's barely perceptible. But of course when I or the production manager mimic the boss, we put on our best momma mia voice.

He's (I'm sure you'll be surprised to know) very slick. He could sell ice to an Eskimo and convince Arabs they need a little sand. Our website seems to get all sorts of little jobs from other companies that we have no business doing, but it brings in money...Something our site isn't so hot at (but more on that later).

While my boss is clearly an experienced salesman and "businessman", I don't think he's got a lot of experience with creative production...In print, TV, film, websites, comics, cartoons...anything.

Tomorrow I have a casting session for a project we're doing for a potential client. While my boss was trying to give me the details about the casting session, he wouldn't tell me exactly who it was for.

Me: "What do I tell the actors and improvisers? They'll want to know what this is for."

Boss: "Just tell them it's for a high-profile client. That's all they need to know."

This is the third or forth time this has happened, so I called him on it.

Me: "Boss, are you worried that an actor is going to steal your idea at a casting session and present it to the client before you can?"

Boss: "They just don't need to know, that's all."

For all his being crafty, he's remarkably naive or ignorant of how creative products get developed. First of all, these ideas are not worth stealing. They're "eh".

Secondly, and more importantly, a professional doesn't worry about his or her ideas being stolen. Ideas are a dime a dozen. The execution is the hard part. It's where the product lives or dies.
I'm not saying that all ideas are born equal. For every "Survivor" there's a dozen "Laguna Beaches".

But what doesn't happen is the theft of an idea with emails, treatments, production schedules, non-disclosure agreements, and a mountain of physical evidence behind it that shows an entity was already moving the idea forward. Not because it couldn't be, but because...why bother?

The other company is already that much further down the pike in production. It would be a hell of a lot easier to simply come up with something else.

The inner workings of Hollywood have become much more of an open book with box office results, production budgets, lawsuits and everything else is more or less fully disclosed.

We hear about similar ideas racing for release all the time, like when several Alexander the Great movies were in development. However I don't remember a single story from the entertainment world that involved a "stolen idea" that didn't involve a crackpot.

At the end of the day, ideas are just not worth stealing. Only a very greasy, very desperate and very unoriginal person with no grasp of their own taste would steal an idea.

And then, they'd fuck it up.

It only works with so many names

2006-08-22T01:49:00.000-07:00

I wish I had a name -and the reputation or notoriety- that invoked the use of "fucking" as a middle name.

Long ago, I used this for a gag in a comic book shop in Orlando. Bruce Lee is certainly a name that allows for this special title. Is it a title when it comes in the middle? I don't want to look it up. Joe, Robert, you two know everything...what's a title or name positioned in the middle? It can't just be a middle name, and it's not a nickname. Put those giant Euro-bred brains to work on that immediately.

In the meantime, I will have fun giving examples of people who are both worthy, and have the correct amount of syllables in their name to make this work.

Neil. Fucking. Armstrong.

Alfred. Fucking. Hitchcock.

Johnny. Fucking. Cash.

Jim. Fuckin. Morrison (not my idea. But the Kids are geniuses and I won't argue)

Steve. Fucking. McQueen*

Sam. Fucking. Peckinpah

I could go on, but you probably get the idea. Perhaps a better example is people who's names simply don't work, or are inappropriate. The following names don't work so well;

Harry. Fucking. Potter.

Orville. Fucking. Redenbacker.

Stephen. Fucking. Hawking.

Some guys can wear a leather jacket, some can't.
I can't.

I mean, I could put one on, but that's not the same thing as wearing it.

I'm glad I could get this straightened out for everyone. I'm sure it was weighing on their psyche.

*probably the most deserving of this honor

It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia

2006-08-19T18:14:00.000-07:00

I will post my full Gencon report tomorrow, but I wanted to post this while it was fresh in my head.

I think this show is really quite funny. I don't like many sitcoms, and this one works. I have a weakness for characters that enjoy doing terrible things, and frankly, that's all this show is about.

It owes a huge, undeniable debt to Seinfeld. One inventive critic called it "Seinfeld on crack". While I imagine Seinfeld on crack would just be a skinny Jerry laying in an alley covered in his own vomit and shivering for 22 minutes, I suspect the riewer was trying to embrace some sort of hipster sensibility..from about 10 years ago.

At any rate, these guys are quite good at being self-absorbed, selfish assholes...but I still like them. I find I usually hate a lot of the smarmy jerkstores that pass as the token toolbag on so many sitcoms. Maybe it's simply because on a regular network they don't have the courage of conviction to commit, and the token toolbag saves a kitten, or maybe takes a limey orphan under his wing for an episode and tussles his hair at the end.

So for what it's worth, check it out. I've only seen one episode from the first season and I don't recall being impressed. Either it was a bad example, or they got much better in the second season.

No Coverage Here...

2006-08-18T11:15:00.000-07:00

This will not get on the news here. It's way to plain, way to obvious, and it calls a spade a spade. She says everything that needs to be said on the subject, and says it well.

Sure there are a several people in the media (mostly bloggers and radio hosts) who are saying the exact same thing. However, there's a giant problem with them saying it; they're white guys.

Their whiteness inhibits the ability to make objective distictions, and it absolutely blocks the ability to judge anything fairly.

What, oh what is the western media to do with this clip? On one hand here is a secular Arab not blowing stuff up and acting rational. On the other hand, she's talkin' the crazy. She's saying things that would bring about a giant controversy in the US, with apologies demanded and calls for stepping down from office.
If a pundit said it, he/she would be called a bigot, racist, or anything else that's worse than being a murderer right now.

I'll post something fun soon, but I thought this was the bees knees.

Back from Gencon...

2006-08-15T10:19:00.000-07:00

I can tell you this...geeks like the word motherfucker on t-shirts.

I sold more of my newest (and most offensive) t-shirt than any other design I or my partner have ever done. This is sort of a bummer because it's only going to encourage me to do more dirty shirts. I'd actually prefer to have a range of sensibilities; super-insider nerdy shirts, silly shirts, cute shirts, and so on...with a couple of offensive shirts.

However, my newest shirt outsold one of my "average" sellers by a ratio of about 8-to-1.

The con was fantastic from top to bottom. I got to see Jami for two days, I sold a buttload of shirts, my new item sold out completely, we got a couple new retailers, I really liked all of Jody's (my business partner) friends and we had a blast.

My only regret was being so pooped on Sunday that I didn't' get to see Biggidy and Knifey.

While I can't possibly post a big Gencon story today, here's what the opening of the doors of the Great Hall looks like on day 1.

My Good Friend

2006-08-08T23:21:00.000-07:00

This prank reminds me a fine American that I'm proud to call my friend.

This act screams, oozes, nay...embodies the essence of one Charles Moore.

Chuck, this post is dedicated to you.

My 'hood

2006-08-03T12:26:00.000-07:00

I meant to do this a loooong time ago, but just got around to it now.

I was just going to let it go, but I discovered I had some new fans and wanted to post something. Since I'm not really all-fired up about anything upsetting me (just good stuff), I don't have much in the funny bag.

So here is a brief introduction to my neighborhood.

This is my view of the Hollywood hills every day. It's awesome motivation. I'm old enough to be envious, and still young enough to want a rocket launcher. I can see parties sometimes on my way to work on Saturday nights and I think; "My Gosh. Just think of how rich, powerful, beautiful and privileged the people at that party must be. I should go rob those bitches right now". And then common sense takes over and I go to work, to rob some different bitches.

This badass place is less than a block away from me. It's got a little plaque out front that talks about the Academy Award nominated editor that lived there for 25 years. The place is named after him, so it's called the "First place loser house" or something like that. Either way, I think the building is freakin' sweet.

Have I mentioned that West Hollywood is sorta gay? Well if I haven't, it is. It got to the point where I was totally used to seeing billboards and signs that you really wouldn't see many other places.

I'm sorry the billboard pic is blurry. The street was busy and I didn't want people to see me taking a picture of a 20-foot tall man's naked ass. I mean if it had been a 6'5" red-headed naked man, that would be fine. But come on, naked giant ass is out of line.

And to anyone who may defend that second picture and say ;"Oh, come on, that's just two buff shirtless guys play fighting over a ball". I'd like to retort by saying; "You just said Oh, come on, that's just two buff shirtless guys play fighting over a ball."

That picture is the result of a thousand ghey graphic designers and photographers carefully sculpting the gheyest, ghey photo of two men that didn't involve penatration.

I expect that billboard to be up next month.

Crazy Good Day...Ball Cancer Must Be Around the Corner

2006-07-26T22:46:00.000-07:00

Today was very, very promising.

Nothing is in writing yet, and I don't want to jinx/get overexcited about anything.

What I can say is that my day job, my future/long term LA goals, AND my weekend money job all moved forward in one way or another all on July 26th.

The thing that is in writing and done is my promotional/side efforts at my money job. In short, I have a tiny bit of extra work, for a lot more money.

While I don't yet know if the other things are going to pan out, they're off to good starts.

Maybe it's from living with Joe (Mr. Pessimist Pants), or maybe it's because I pulled a groin muscle working out again, but I can only help think that ball cancer is right around the corner if things keep going so well.

Stuffed Up

2006-07-18T22:16:00.000-07:00

I've had a headcold for a few days. I started feeling badly at almost exactly 2:30 on Friday, which was a little weird. I had to work Saturday night and that made me feel like total crap. Double crap sandwich with a side of crapslaw.

For the past few days I've coughed a little, had really swollen glands, and mostly a runny, runny nose. I'm stuffed up like a Christmas goose.

I've got more mucus in my head than they used in ALIENS. I'm like Mount St. Mucus.

If I were in ROBIN HOOD, I'd be the Sheriff of Snottingham.

If I started my own country, it would be Mucuhstan.

I'm sure that somewhere in the neighborhood of 70% of my body weight is currently mucus... and I say that with NO fear of hyperbole.

I wish I had some other story or something else, but I'm all hopped up on Sudafed and rather drowsy. I did see a test screening of the new Christopher Guest movie FOR YOUR CONSIDERATION tonight, which I'll write about later. In short, it was awesome...his best since SPINAL TAP. I liked it better than GUFFMAN and BEST OF SHOW, both of which I liked plenty.

Central Casting

2006-07-10T21:45:00.000-07:00

So I work in a nightclub on Saturdays, yadda, yadda, yadda.

My club is specifically a "scene" for trance DJ music. In other words, an aural excuse to do tons of X, special K, or whatever the hell else it is that everyone's on. These people start showing up around 11-12, and many of them dance for the next 7 hours straight.

While almost 2000 people come every Saturday, there are essentially only about 8 or 10 different people there. Oh sure, there are maybe a hundred casual people just hitting a nightclub, but the overwhelming majority of our customers fit into one of the following categories. Besides, the casual clubber is not annoying, entitled, drug-addled, and without a soul.

The Persian Douche Bag

While this particular type was the subject of a whole other blog entry, it's really, really important. This guy may or may not have a hint of an accent, but regardless he'll call you "bro" all God-damned night. His shirts cost 85$ and his hats looks like Liberace thought it was "too gay". These guys are very, very much about being in "the scene". They either know everybody or act like they do. They overlap into the "Friends of the Promoter" category.
Estimated percentage of club: 10-15%

The Whores

These girls are very pretty. They know this. They also expect this to get them anything they want...especially into VIP for no other reason. Screw them. This currency carries -no- value to me whatsoever. 1) (most importantly) I'm married. 2) I resent that they're handed everything for being pretty. 3.) They're comically, hysterically entitled. I've seen their jaws literally drop when I deny them entry. It's comedy gold.
Oh, also, they clearly screw guys from the club for drugs or money.
Estimated percentage of club: 15%

The Asian Persuasion I (the dancefloor crowd)

These guys are here to dance, dance, dance. They have a head full of something and almost never leave the dancefloor. They don't really annoy me at all, and are actually kinda cute.
Estimated percentage of club: 15%

This Fuckin' Guy
There are only a handful of these guys, but they're terrible. They're in great shape, and by God the whole freakin' club is going to know it...every week.
Estimated percentage of club: .02%

Friends of the Promoter
All these people know the promoter.
This is about how many people come up to me every night and say "Bro, I know everybody! I know Gorble, I know Sara-blah, I know Pingy Ping, I know, I know, I know..."

Guess what dumbass. The promoter's job is to just know people. That's it. Know lots of people and invite them to the club. You're not a unique snowflake, you're a sucker getting separated from your money.
Estimated percentage of club: Seemingly 75%

The Asian Persuasion II (the balcony crowd)

As far as I can tell, these people come here just to do drugs and hang out. The whole balcony is almost entirely taken up by a Korean crowd, and half of them are over 40. I've blogged about this before...so enough of them.
Estimated percentage of club: 15%

Guys that Do the most annoying "dance" move in the known Universe

This is the best example I can find of this. Imagine the guy on the right with both hands up bobbing his arms and hands up and down with only about a 8-12 inch range of motion in time with the beat, and towards the DJ. Ignore the "rock fingers", that's not normally the case. The guy on the left may be doing the one-armed version for those with drinks in their hand.

Estimated percentage of club: 5-10% Interestingly enough, both Asian persuasion groups never do this dance. Also interesting, about 75% of the Persian DB's DO this dance.

Asshats That Wear Sunglasses in the Nightclub

Guys and girls alike, and a cross section of all the other categories do this. I don't know if it's a drug thing, or a cool thing, but it's definitely an asshat thing.

Teh Gheys
Somewhat surprisingly, I don't think teh gheys go to this club very much. I think they have MANY choices before them on a Saturday night in Hollywood.
Estimated percentage of club: 1-2%

TRANNIES!!!
One of my very favorite parts of the evening usually comes around 4am. A group of 3 trannies show up about twice a month and troll for really drunk straight guys. They make out with (I assume) unsuspecting guys all over the club. The security has a blast watching these "girls" at work. So far as I can tell, they rarely take anybody home, which is probably the best thing for everybody, but far from the funniest.*

*BTW, if you ever want a heee-larious but disturbing time, type "trannies" into a flickr search and hang onto your hat.

This is actually a perfect cross-section of many of the groups all together for one crapfest picture.

While this primer is by no means comprehensive, it covers a good bunch of the batch.

Oh, 90% of the staff is awesome. I think most of the staff doesn't care for the music and they're all in on what we're doing...taking these idiot's money.

Wasted Youth

2006-06-29T00:07:00.000-07:00

All the games I played when I was 14 were really, really dumb.

This sounds like much more fun.

More importantly, it has an AWESOME name.

What'cha doin'?

Playin' boobtag.

Sincerity

2006-06-17T13:09:00.000-07:00

I admit with no shame that this made me cry.

If there's anybody left on the planet with that kind of sincerity and altruistic ideas, I'd like to meet them.

Empowerment

2006-06-15T23:00:00.000-07:00

Last Saturday I drove to my Saturday night gig to discover that my regular parking lot was full.

I was bummed that my out-of-the-way 5$ lot was full because most of the parking around Hollywood and Vine runs more like 10-20$ for the evening.

So I was thrilled when only another 2 blocks away I found an 8$ lot. I pulled in and drove up to the attendant.

How much is it to park here?

Hatedolars.

Eight?

Hatedolars.

OK. Um, I work at one of the clubs around the corner, and my car will be here all night, is it fine until morning?

-no response-

Can I get my car in the morn...

Si, si, it will be ohkay.

I gave the guy my eight bucks and parked. Awesome.

Nine hours later at about 7:15 or so I get back to the lot after an uneventful, but very tiring night of letting Douchebags into a VIP area to drink 200 dollar bottle of vodka.

I notice that they've closed one of the gates. Hmm,... well there's probably only one guy here now and it's easier to watch the lot with only one gate open...right?
I walk though a door-sized section of the fence that's always open and I see that the other gate is also shut.

Mother. Fucker.

I hop in my car and zip over to one of the gates. It's the kind that slides open on a track, running along with the length of fence. It's secured with a pretty sizable padlock on only medium gauge chain.

A quick backstory...

About three years ago I made a movie that ended with a cartoon character who produces a wood axe to threaten the time-traveling main character. If you were there, you know what I'm talking about. If you weren't, well, you'd just have to see it.

Almost two years ago, I sold my Taurus and bought a Volvo s40. When I emptied the trunk of the Taurus, I transferred some of the contents directly to my Volvo...including the wood axe used in said time-travel movie.

Back to last Saturday.

I went straight to my trunk and got the axe. Still in my suit and tie, I marched over to the chain holding the gate shut. About three inches of the chain rested against the metal pole that was part of the fence.
I started to whale on that chain like a fucking Viking.
VERY quickly, I was drawing attention. I can't imagine why. A guy in a suit, outside his running car in a parking lot beating on a locked gate with an axe in the heart of Hollywood at 7:20 on a Sunday morning. What the hell were they looking at?

My four or five observers got to watch as on my fifth or sixth swing, I got the chain just right and the whole length of chain dropped to the ground.

I don't know exactly why, but at that precise moment I felt like this.

I mean, obviously I felt like I'd taken control of my situation, but it was something better than that. It put me in a good mood for days.

For the matter of the parking lot's broken chain and busted up fence pole...Hire alguien que habla inglés de mierda.

No one knew the Egyptians were such Giant Queers

2006-06-15T01:26:00.000-07:00

Man-Bear Pig

2006-06-14T10:38:00.000-07:00

This is shocking, -shocking- information about AN INCONVENIENT TRUTH.

The man that wrote "Earth in the Balance" got something wrong?

I'm stunned for the day...

Jewfood

2006-05-30T16:55:00.000-07:00

Ten days ago I was married to the wonderful love of my life. I'm super-giddy, happy and in all ways thrilled beyond belief.

Naturally, I thought I'd blog about Jews eating weird food.

I took this picture about a month and a half ago;

As you can see, it's 15 jars of Manischewitz Matzo Ball Soup and Whitefish in Jellied Broth.

I actually can't say anything bad about Matzo Ball soup. I've had it before, and it's tasty.

However I think the Whitefish in Jellied Broth is part of testing God's chosen people...it looks and smells like a half-decomposed donkey penis. I mean, I guess that's what it's like. Not that I would know.

The whole concept of "jellied fish" strikes me as something that only a grandparent or a weird foreigner would find appealing. It doesn't seem natural that a young guy with hipster sensibilities would embrace a food more fitting for a Moose Lodge Buffet or the main course at a JASA meeting.

Ultimately, who cares. Everyone likes all sorts of weird foods regardless of their ethnicity and whatnot. Joe would probably have love jellied fish if he had been a Korean Baptist for all I know.
But why 15 jars, that seems like so much...
Silly reader, they were on sale.

In The Presence of Greatness...

2006-05-16T01:56:00.000-07:00

<< WARNING! Click on the links in this post in order. It's important to the reveal.>>>

One of the great joys of working the rope at a "hotspot" nightclub in Los Angeles is denying the entitled.

Many of the people that go to that type of club (trance, DJ-driven techno clubs) have a huge sense of entitlement. Mix that with the presumptuousness common among some of the denizens of Los Angeles, and the result is somebody that knows they are the reason the entertainment industry exists. Tyler Durden told tale of a generation angry that we are not becoming the movie stars and rock gods that television has lead us to believe we'd become.
It never occurred to me that there are people who honestly -really- believe they are the greatest and brightest star in the known universe.

Saturday and Sunday night, a world-famous DJ played at Avalon. I know he's world-famous because everyone kept telling me so, but I've never heard of him. Being a famous DJ is something like being a world-renowned physicist...you're only famous in very small circles of people who go out of their way to figure out who you are. Except in the case of the DJ, you don't have any useful skills, and you are an artist in the most disposable and forgetful movement of music in the history of the world.
Yes, even more than Crunk.

Sunday night a guy comes up to my rope with 4 people about 12:30 or 1am. I've already turned away dozens and dozens of people by this point, and let in the few that were kind enough to introduce me to Andrew Jackson and his twin brother.

The two pretty girls and two even more beautiful guys standing behind him keep their distance and don't come up to the rope. He's clearly going to be the spokesman, and I hope, the giver of grease.

Him: Yo, bro. I know such-and-such. They always hook me up. Me and my crew just want to come in and hang out for a little while.
(this means they don't want a table, which they would have to pay for, they just want me to let them in...for free)

Me: Yeah? Such-and-such should have given you some wristbands. He's outside at the door working the guest list. (which is true)

Him: (producing a business card) Bro, I'm with Myspace. Blah blah blah...(I honestly couldn't hear most of this over the music. I was paying attention, it was just too loud...not that it mattered much)

(I pocket the business card without even glancing at it)
Me: I can't let you guys in without wristbands, I'm really sorry. I wish there was something I could do. (this is a hint that he could give me money, and I'd let them in)

Him: Look bro, these guys (thumb over shoulder) are on Laguna Beach. We just want to chill, such-and-such always hooks us up bro!

Me: Laguna Beach, really? Well...

(I lean in a bit and wave him closer, so I can "club whisper" in his ear. He leans in.)

Me: ...Dude, this is fucking Hollywood!

The guy leans back, eyes wide with disbelief. He whips out his cell phone, presumably to "hook something up" with such-and-such to get into the bottle service area.

I don't see him again the rest of the night.

Other than laughing about the fact that this guy was trying to parlay the miniscule fame associated with Laguna Beach into entering a VIP area in a Hollywood club for free, I forgot about the incident for a while.

Joe always asks me about any good stories from the club when we see each other again, so I tell him about the guy frontin' for the Laguna Beach crew. I remember that I have his card somewhere, so I dig it out and toss it to Joe.
Ten seconds later, the world became an infinitely funnier place.

It turns out that this guy I thought was just slightly entitled and a little arrogant is in fact, the World's Biggest Douche.

His doucheness is so great, I daresay no one human being in the history or future of mankind will ever hope of measuring up to his douchery. It would take the ten next-greatest douches of any one century to equal the douchebaggery of this fellow.

I can say with all sincerity that in fifty years if my grandchildren ask me: "Papa, what did you mean when you called somebody a douche when you were young?" I will look into the eyes of the blood of my blood and say "It's time you saw Ted Skillets myspace page."

Shortly after handling Teds business card, I started to feel very strange. Joe felt the same thing. I tried taking some Advil. I drank some water. I tried to take a nap. Nothing seemed to be helping. It turns out that douchitis is highly contagious.

All you can do is stay indoors, don't go around people you know and ride it out.

We recorded our sickness so the images can be used in those horrid medical journals with pictures of STDs and skin conditions. If people can be scared of getting Herpes from seeing a picture, they should sure as shit be scared of becoming a douche.

Contradictions

2006-05-05T13:03:00.000-07:00

Here are two websites I check nearly every day;

cuteoverload.com

and

sherdog.com

It's almost like having pink boxing gloves.

I have a couple of posts bubbling up, I should get to at least one of them on Saturday.

Star-Studded Thursday

2006-04-25T11:25:00.000-07:00

I experience Hollywood one weird celebrity spotting at a time.

Last Thursday James Caan walked right in front of my car while I was at a red light. My first thought was "Wow, those sunglasses can't hide that giant, James Caan-looking mug behind them." He's very distinctive.
That must explain why he's dressed like a homeless person. Wait, no...what?

Being distinctive has nothing to do with dressing like you haven't bathed in a month. I wasn't making any sort of sense in my head. OK let's re-trace my perceptions.

One, I see James Caan. Two, I notice the behemoth head behind sunglasses. Three, I finally notice thermal underwear under jean shorts and a ratty t-shirt over a gross looking long-sleeve shirt.

Hmmm. Nope, can't figure this one out. This was most certainly not for a movie. We weren't anywhere near a studio, and there were no production trucks anywhere within sight. James Caan just dresses like a super-freak. Good for him.

Later that evening, I was working at the Troubabdour and Dinosaur Jr. was having a reunion tour. Ted was spotted outside chatting up the line. I then saw him go upstairs into the bands dressing room to pal around with Jay Mascis. Who, as far as I can tell, always looks about that comfortable.

I've found that my reaction to seeing celebs in this town is very much like if I'd just seen an albino python or a spider monkey at the zoo. It's interesting. Your very mild curiosity about what they looked like in real life is met with an equally mild surprise when you see them. "Hmm. He's actually tall."
But you still don't have anything to say to them, nor would you want to. God only knows what a spider monkey or James Caan would do if you tried to engage it in a conversation about THE GODFATHER.

For some weird reason, I thought I was going to have a "celebrity hat trick" that night. I kept my eyes peeled and strained my tiny, hamster-powered brain to remember every 3rd and 4th rung celeb I could so I'd know it if I saw them.

No luck.

The whole night went by and I didn't see anybody else famous. Mostly I was curious what other famous people listened to Dinosaur Jr. in the late 80's and early 90's.

As it turns out, I missed a music celeb. Meg White (she's the one that's not Wynona Ryder) was at the show with some friends. I DO remember seeing her when somebody pointed out what she was wearing. Odder yet, I've seen the White Stripes in concert, so I'd seen her in person before.

The bartender that told me she was there was surprised at how nice Meg was. She had heard a couple horror stories about her being uppity and too cool for school. Thursday night she was sweet as pie.

Speaking of pie, I haven't had any in a really long time. I'm not going to seek out a pie, but if I see one cooling on a windowsill in West Hollywood, I'm-a runnin' off wit' it.

One legged-Man at the Disco

2006-04-19T11:10:00.000-07:00

I haven't posted lately.

I started my new day job, and now work 3 shifts a week at the Troubadour.
Also, I'm house/dog-sitting in Silverlake, and that seems to take up most of my time.

If any of my readers ever move to LA, unless you also WORK in Silverlake, I strongly advise you to not live here. You're close to nothing, and traffic is always terrible. The rent savings is not worth the time you spend in traffic.

Anywho, so there's some comedy on this post, check out this guy's blog making fun of the homeless.

It's funny at times. But mostly, I'm wondering if he's been sent straight to hell, or if he's going to have to get shanked by a homeless person first and die before he goes to hell.

I promise my next post will not be so lazy. I was working up a good steam there for a little while and I want to keep it going.

2005 Flashback:
Big is gay, and Joe loves him.

I can't draw...

2006-04-12T00:39:00.000-07:00

But I still like internet cartoons. What's one to do?

Master of Whoring

2006-04-05T20:26:00.000-07:00

As I mentioned recently, I have lots of jobs out here.

Funny enough, the one that pays me the least monetarily is turning out to have all sorts of other benefits.

I was covering the red carpet at the Masters of Horror 2 launch party last night getting gems like this.

Since my boss at iesb.net also works at Dark Horse, he was invited into the party after the red carpeting, so I was invited as well. The event was held at a club in Hollywood called Ivar.

It was exactly what a trendy club in Hollywood is supposed to look like, I suppose. While I haven’t been to many of them, I’ve seen many in movies. And since they simply use the real thing in movies (they’re right here!), this place looked like all those other places.

The event was sponsored by Vampyre Vodka, so vodka drinks were free. If I wanted Wild Turkey it was going to be $9.00. So Red Bull and vodka in hand, I had my boss introduce me around. It turns out my boss knows lots of people.

In the span of two hours, I spoke with Eli Roth, Ray Park, Michael Olmos, Toby Hooper, Tiffiny Shepis, and Moriarty from Aintitcoolnews.com.

Fortunately, I don’t really care about stars, at least in terms of fame. I could count that number of people I think I’d be “star struck” in front of on both hands, and half of them aren’t actors.

What made the party so enjoyable was being chatted up like a colleage. I was within cock-punching distance of five or six millionaires at one point and they had no idea that I couldn’t afford their car payment.

I’ve never thought of directors and actors as an inaccessible class or anything. However since I’m fresh off the boat from Hicksville (read: beyond the Valley and not from New York) I didn’t see myself necessarily getting invited to their parties just yet. I apparently only needed 90 days to be at the same party as the director of Hostel.

Now that in and of itself is not useful or important. I know for a fact that a bikini contest winner from Nebraska who’s only been here 2 months was at the same party. Granted, she has a different skill set than I do, but not bad for a straight dude.

The more networking, the better. If I was in magazine ad sales I would leap at a chance to leave High Times for Time Magazine.

The show I came from didn’t measure up to the quality and journalistic integrity of High Times, so getting into this type of fiesta made me feel like I’ve made some good progress out here….and in good time.

The Silver Lining

2006-04-05T14:40:00.000-07:00

While I have really big blog entry coming up (probably late tonight) I just wanted to point out one of the silver linings to 9/11, the Jihad against America and the war in Iraq;
Middle-eastern actors are getting a ton of work. Or, at least they just have to look middle-eastern.
The TV was on in the background while I wrote for a little while today. During one commercial break there was a doublemint gum commercial with a white guy and an Arab singing the doublemint song. It was so hilariously awesome because they really didn't look anything alike, so it was quite amusing. I guess you'd have to see it, but it was even funnier than Robin Williams.

Right after that commercial was one set in an office. I don't know what the product was, because I was like "damn, look at all the A-rabs that office employs! There must be four of 'em! The better not make fun of Allah, or they'll have themselves a fax-machine Jihad!"

Never mind commercial work, but the load of films that have come out lately that essentially blame America for 9/11, TV shows where the Arabs are good guys and Neo-Nazis are the criminals, and all manner of topical, common-sense current events. I don't know about you, but I for one am sick of all these neo-nazis ruining everything!

Good thing that thar Tee-Vee is showin' me that they is good people, or I might load up ma pick-up with some beer and my good 'ol boys and go shoot me up some A-rabs...YEEEEE-HAAAAAAAWWWWWWWWWW!!!
Ka-pew! Ka-pow! Ka-pow! (miming shooting six-guns into the air)

Passing the Funny

2006-04-03T21:51:00.000-07:00

Whoever writes these is pretty damned funny. I just wanted to pass that on.

Also, I hate yoga.
People that do yoga near the boxing ring at my gym and fart up a storm while doing the Smelly Lotus Petal or the Stinky Swan, or whatever the fuck it is.

Hey, can I assume a position that pushes all the gas out of my body?

Only if you're right next to people!

God bless the queers for being able to bend themselves into a pretzel. I love freaks and bendy crap leans towards freak, but come on with the farting!!!